Today was garage sale day. We started at the crack of dawn and by noon had sold out nearly all our stuff…which to us meant time for chicken, biscuits and a nap.
 |
| This entire transaction can only be described as interesting. |
 |
| Santa Claus during the off season. |
The sale prompted me to think of things you shouldn’t do when having a garage sale:
1. Eat anything sausage or bean based the night before.
2. Sell your “exercise” striper pole – you can fetch a much better price putting it on Craigslist.
3. Hire clowns to create a circus-like atmosphere to entertain the children…clowns will steal your shit.
4. Follow people around telling them the history of all your junk…they are paying a quarter and they don’t care.
5. Sell your used underwear – if I have to explain why then you are clearly twisted.
6. Forget to wear deodorant – this rule applies to more than just garage sales.
7. Not include a disclaimer that the sale is over when you are sold out. We advertised the sale was until 2:00pm and failed to put “or until all the stuff is gone and the garage doors are closed.” I’m currently writing this blog hiding in the closet because people keep knocking on the door trying to buy more of our stuff. I came out of the closet years ago, so the hiding now might cause me to have an emotional episode.
8. Forget to put a big sign that reads "Yard/Garage Sale Here"– an older gentlemen got on to me earlier regarding this issue. Apparently having rows of shit in your yard/garage and people milling about buying stuff is not a big enough set of clues to indicate you have arrived at said yard/garage sale.
9. Look obvious hoarders in the eye – NEVER MAKE DIRECT EYE CONTACT WITH THEM.
10. This is totally something you should do for a garage sale. Make this recipe to enjoy some quiet before the storm.
Ingredients
12 slices day-old bread, cut into 1 inch cubes
2 (8 ounce) packages cream cheese, cut into 1 inch cubes
2 cups fresh blueberries
12 eggs, beaten
2 cups milk
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/3 cup maple syrup
1 cup white sugar
2 tablespoons cornstarch
1 tablespoon butter
Preparation
Lightly grease a 9x13 inch baking dish. Arrange half the bread cubes in the dish, and top with cream cheese cubes. Sprinkle 1 cup blueberries over the cream cheese, and top with remaining bread cubes.
In a large bowl, mix the eggs, milk, vanilla extract, and syrup. Pour over the bread cubes. Cover and refrigerate overnight.
Remove the bread cube mixture from the fridge about 30 minutes before baking. Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Cover, and bake 30 minutes. Uncover, and continue baking 25 to 30 minutes, until center is firm and surface is lightly browned.
In a medium saucepan, mix the sugar, cornstarch, and water. Bring to a boil. Stirring constantly, cook 3 to 4 minutes. Mix in the remaining 1 cup blueberries. Reduce heat, and simmer 10 minutes, until the blueberries burst. Stir in the butter, and pour over the baked French toast.
1 cup white wine
There really is no other way to spend the day than watching Elizabeth Taylor movies. Of course, any Elizabeth Taylor movie day needs to start with National Velvet. Naturally, this will rekindle my dream of having my very own horse and Mickey Rooney action figure. Then I will change direction completely and watch, Cat on a Hot Tin Roof. I seriously doubt that Elizabeth Taylor ever looked hotter than she did in that movie. I will never forget being a young kid and watching that movie for the first time…I actually slowed down my crushes on Kristy McNichol and Joe from the Facts of Life, long enough to have a respectable crush on Elizabeth Taylor.
Now comes the cocktail making part of the day. If you don’t have cocktails mixed for the next two movies, there is something very wrong with you. It really is depressing that Cleopatra was not made at a time that could include a reality show along with it. Anything that nearly bankrupts a movie studio, and is a historical drama that has nothing to do with the actual history of the event, is worth watching…at least once. The strongest cocktail (by this time, I will be completely covered in White Diamonds perfume, toasting Elizabeth Taylor to the dogs and calling Tiffany at work to cry about her death), is reserved for Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf. In fact, I won’t even have a cocktail; I will just drink scotch straight from the bottle. If you haven’t seen this movie, it is well worth watching. It is like seeing a train wreck, or a complete family breakdown and argument over Thanksgiving dinner. This is Elizabeth Taylor at her best as an actress. 
The Ides of March was how the Romans said March 15, but now the meaning is more sinister. On that day in 44 B.C. Julius Caesar Popeye (“JCP”) was killed. “JCP” had been stirring things up with lots of changes, including establishing a new constitution, redistribution of public lands to the poor, changing the calendar and dictating that everyone eat their spinach. “JCP” also had an affair with the Queen of Egypt, Cleopatra Olive Oyl (“COO”). They had a son together and they named him Caesarion Section (“Swee’Pea”). Roman senators were growing increasingly concerned about “JCP’s” power trip and they feared he would take away their lands. The senators, lead by Alice the Goon (“AG”) got together and decided to kill “JCP.” One of these senators was Marcus Junius Brutus (“Bluto”). “Bluto” had at one time been close to “JCP”, but his affection for “COO” led him to take part in the conspiracy. 
On March 15, “JCP” passed the seer known as The Sea Hag (“ESP”). She grabbed his really large forearm and said “Beware the Ides of March.” To which “JCP” replied, “Well, the Ides of March have come.” This prompted “ESP” to say, “Ay, they have come, but they have not gone.” “JCP” blew that off and kept on his way to the Theatre of Pompey. Just before he got there, he passed Wimpy (“W”) who said to him, “I’ll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.” “JCP” blew that off, too. Fall for that once, shame on Wimpy, fall for it twice, shame on you. When “JCP” arrived he was directed to the east portico where Poopdeck Pappy (“#2”) presented him with a petition. Suddenly “JCP” was surrounded by senators, who stabbed him. “JCP” was stabbed 23 times and only one of the wounds was actually fatal…proof that the senators should have eaten their spinach.
2 cups all-purpose flour
Ingredients
