A Conversation with My Mom

I called my mom a few days ago for our usual weekly talk.  My sister recently had a birthday and she talked to me about the meal she made.  She made lasagna and about 27 other items…she likes to go big instead of go home when cooking.  She is also a big fan of shrimp.  These days, you can find shrimp in just about anything she cooks from stuffing, marinara sauces, breakfast foods, chocolate cake, potato casserole, etc.  Shrimp is her salt and pepper and it makes her wanna shoop.  Shoop da doop.  At any rate, I heard about the meal, the guests to the dinner, the weather and then we talked about all that again.  Before the third telling, I asked for my dad because I wanted to check in with him, too.  My mom said hold on and starting screaming my dad’s name…over and over again.  The thing about my mom’s phone is she has a cordless phone.  For Christmas one year I gave her the cordless phone so she could move around while talking.  Ever since she has received it, which was years and years ago, she generally moves around as far as the typical phone cord used to be…but not for our conversation a few days ago.  For this conversation, she went mobile and delivered the phone directly to my dad who was apparently taking a shit.  I know this because in between her screams of my dad’s name she also said a few times, “What?  Are you on the commode?  THE COMMODE – ARE. YOU. ON. THE. COMMODE!”  I heard him answer in the affirmative and then he was on the line.  This naturally caused me to ask my dad, “Are you in an important meeting.”  He laughed and said, “Yes, an emergency meeting.”  I then told him it was important that he close the deal.  We went back and forth like this for awhile which was the extent of our conversation because he clearly had business that needed his attention.