The Token Irishman, Guinness Milkshake and St. Patrick's Day Wish for a Primordial

Nothing makes me want a Primordial Dwarf more than Saint Patrick’s Day!  This holiday was made for these adorably proportionate little buggers.  Now any other day, I’d clearly dress my primordial up as a Marvel Superhero or cowgirl, but today would be a special costuming day!  I’m sure you are thinking leprechaun, but that is just too cliché and quite frankly too Achondroplasia-like for my dwarf.  No today…it would be a Vegas showgirl costume!  I’m talking full feathers, glitter and sequins.  My primordial would, of course, be female, because that’d just be weird if it were a guy.  Naturally, the costume would also include roller-skates, for me and for her.  It just saddens me that another year is going to pass without my own primordial.  Oh additionally, I would let her pinch everyone today.  What a grand time we’d have.  Boo.  Maybe next year will be the year of the primordial, because, eventually dreams do come true.  In the meantime, perhaps you’re interested in some St. Patrick’s Day drinking options other than cheap green beer.

The Token Irishman (from Drago Centro)

Ingredients

2 ounces of Jameson Irish whiskey

3 drops Fee Brothers Mint Bitters

5-6 springs of fresh mint

½ ounce fresh lemon juice

½ ounce simple syrup (1 cup sugar combined with 1 cup water)

Splash of soda water

Preparation

Muddle the mint with the simple syrup.  Add the rest of the ingredients, shake and strain over ice in an old-fashioned glass.  Add splash of soda water and garnish with mint sprig.

  

Guinness Milkshake (from 25 Degrees)

Ingredients

3 jumbo scoops of premium vanilla ice cream

3 ounces chilled Guinness beer

2 ounces chocolate syrup

Preparation

Add the beer and chocolate syrup to the ice cream.  Mix just until blended; the mixture should be very thick. Drizzle inside of a glass with chocolate syrup and pour shake in. 

Both recipes make 1 drink or if you are making it for your primordial it makes 4 drinks.  Enjoy and Happy Saint Patrick’s Day!

 

Once in a Lifetime Workout

I think I have a new workout plan.  I really think this will be the routine that will dramatically transform my figure AND it will be fun!  I’m going to call this new fitness plan the Once in a Lifetime Workout.  I’m fairly certain it will soon become the latest craze, like Jazzercise or Zumba.  I mean just click on the video and watch!  Look at how much David Byrne is sweating…IMAGINE the calories being burned with each hand chop on your arm!  This can also be done in conjunction with other forms of exercise.  Just think of combining all the Once in a Lifetime gyrations with your time on the treadmill, on the elliptical or even in the pool!  Kick up your grocery shopping and do the Once in a Lifetime Workout as you move down each of the aisles or wait for your deli meat to be sliced.  Do the Once in a Lifetime Workout while you walk the dogs or in an important meeting with wealthy, important clients.  Transform jury duty into a caloric blaster!  Anytime, anywhere you can do this workout.  In your shotgun shack, in another part of the world, behind the wheel of a large automobile!  Am I right or am I wrong? Don’t make your workouts the same as they ever were.  Don’t be another talking head, be a doer and try something new, the Once in a Lifetime Workout!

True History Tuesday - Lewis and Clark

I’ve noticed there appears to be genuine interest in my posts detailing true history stories.  Posts like the true story of Valentine’s Day and the true story of Mardi Gras were well received.   This leads me to believe that you are hungry for the truth about major historical events.  I believe it is a service I am ready to provide.  Therefore, I’ll start having True History Tuesdays.  It’s time the truth was told.

The True Story of Lewis and Clark

In 1803, Thomas Jefferson hired Meriwether Lewis and William Clark to look for a Factory Direct Outlet Mall on the other side of the continent.  Jefferson wanted a new fur coat.  The selection within a 50 mile radius around Monticello was pathetic and he was cold.  Jefferson figured Meriwether was the right guy to find a new mall because of his gay sounding name and the fact he was lighter in his loafers on one side, due to one leg being shorter than the other.  Jefferson had purchased Louisiana at a deeply discounted price.  It went on sale after Mardi Gras because it was trashed and smelled of vomit and pee, as you can imagine the savings were enormous.  He felt certain there would be a huge outlet mall with an amazing fur selection somewhere deep within this new territory seeing how it had been French and all.   

Lewis and Clark headed out after filling their U-Haul with diet cokes, Cheetos, People magazines and VHS recordings of Cheaters.  They were in such a hurry they forgot their GPS, but felt certain they probably knew the way through this unchartered territory (typical males). Eventually they came upon this young man sawin’ a fiddle and playin’ it hot.  Clark jumped up on a hickory stump and said “which way to the Pacific Northwest?”  The young man said, “follow the Missouri River,” and continued fiddling with his fiddle.  So on Lewis and Clark went for a year.  They met lots of Native Americans a.k.a. Indians who thought they were pretty much stupid for not bringing a GPS.  The various tribes kept handing them off like exploring hot potatoes to get them out of the Rocky Mountains.  Chief John Denver didn’t have time for their lost crap.  Eventually in North Dakota, Lewis built a gay bar called Fort Mandan.

Ultimately, Lewis and Clark met Sacajawea.  She helped translate for them and had a really good time making up stuff different than what they were actually saying.  It was a riot and generations later this story is still told around camp fires, Pow Wows and other various gatherings of Native Americans that involve fire and dancing.  Lewis and Clark finally crossed the Continental Divide.  There they came upon the mall, but not before Pierre Cruzatte “accidentally" shot Lewis in the leg.  He said he thought he was an elk, but the truth is he was jealous of Clark and thought Meriwether been hanging out with him too much.  Lewis forgave Cruzatte and they eventually adopted an Asian baby.  After all this however, the mall was sold out of furs so Lewis and Clark got Jefferson a knock-off Coach wallet and a Brooks Brothers shirt.

Crackers in the Bed and Lobster Mac and Cheese

Being unencumbered with the responsibility of a job has its good and bad points.  Bad points; not having any money and missing some of the amazing people you used to work with everyday.  Good points; not having to deal with the annoying, overly dramatic and constantly bitching people you used to work with everyday and staying up late and finding good shows on television.  One such show we found the other night was something about extreme restaurants.  This was on late and it made me hungry.  So while eating cheese and crackers in the bed, (Tiffany is like Barbara Mandrell and allows me to eat crackers in the bed anytime) I took note of some of the food served at these extreme restaurants. 

One of the restaurants was The Fat Cat in Quincy, Maine.  This restaurant is known for their super hot wings and mac and cheese.  This really got my attention.  So much so that I sat up, brushed away the mountain of cracker crumbs and Googled The Fat Cat on my phone.  Various pictures of super obese felines popped up as well as some videos of enormous cats trying to clean themselves…of course I watched them while I crunched down on more crackers.  Once I finished that, I found an article about the The Fat Cat restaurant AND it had a recipe for their signature Lobster Mac and Cheese.  SCORE! I actually yelled score, which unfortunately caused a flurry of cracker crumbs to fly out of my mouth on to Tiffany.  This naturally caused the dogs to leap on her and go after the crumbs. It was about this time that she announced she was reconsidering the crackers in the bed anytime rule.  Anyway, it was this recipe that sent me to the seafood counter with a hangover yesterday.  It was just that important to me. I pulled myself together enough to make this last night and it was so worth it.  I even venture to say it was straight up cracker spittin good.

The Fat Cat’s Lobster Mac and Cheese

Ingredients

1 T. garlic, minced

1 oz olive oil

1 c. heavy cream

1 oz manchego cheese, shredded

1 oz white cheddar cheese, shredded

1 T. blue cheese, crumbled

5 oz fresh lobster meat (I used lobster tail and broiled it one minute for every oz)

8 oz cooked corkscrew pasta

4 slices Roma tomato

Salt and pepper to taste

2 T. panko bread crumbs

1T. parmesan cheese, shredded

Preparation

Preheat broiler.  Saute garlic and oil in medium pot over medium heat, about 2 to 3 minutes.  Add cream, manchego, cheddar and blue cheese.  Continue simmering, stirring constantly with a wooden spoon, until cheese is fully melted.  Add lobster meat and pasta.  Let simmer and stir until everything incorporates, about 2 minutes.  Pour mixture into an oven-safe baking dish.  Top with tomato slices, salt and pepper, then with bread crumbs and parmesan.  Broil until cheese and bread crumbs brown, about 2 minutes.

Things You Don't Do When You Have a Hangover

I did a few things indicative of genuine stupidity this morning. First off, I actually got out of bed.  This was a tall order seeing how I was completely hungover.  I continued celebrating my birthday last night.  Naturally, I tossed out any knowledge of drinking too much I had gained in my 41 years.  Anyway, against all odds I got up and went to the grocery store.  Why?  Because I needed lobster tails, of course. Now I gotta tell you.  It isn’t a good idea to go to the seafood counter when you are in an already precarious hangover predicament.  It was all I could do to get out of there in one piece. After crawling home from the grocery, I thought it might be a good idea to make some coffee.  While the coffee was brewing, I made the decision that I should eat a piece of birthday cake.  This was also a very bad idea.  After the coffee was made, I was convinced I’d feel better if I had my coffee on the hammock. Unless you’re really really sure of your abilities, it isn’t a good idea to try this…even when you aren’t wildly hungover.  It was like rolling a bolder up a hill and getting to the top and suddenly losing control and watching the boulder hurling down the side of the mountain toward your grandmother’s priceless collection of rare vintage bone china.  Needless to say, I ended up with coffee all over me, the hammock and one of the dogs.  After all this, there was only one thing to do…go back to bed.  That’s where I stayed until just a few minutes ago.  Naturally, I blame all this on daylight savings time.

Home and Garden Show for the Dirty Minded

Yesterday we went to the Birmingham Home and Garden Show (we got a buy one get one free deal from Living Social).  I was really excited about the potential.  Unfortunately, it wasn’t all that.  I mean we did get some free food, talked to several vendors about new windows and the people watching wasn’t bad…but I guess I was just expecting more.  The Cirque De Soil (get it soil) of home and garden was my hope.  Oh well, at least I turned my boredom and dirty mind into something productive.  I’ve taken the time to mark out unnecessary information from the pictures…for those individuals of a higher maturity level than myself. 

Freaky Friday Favorites

Well this has been a big week.  Fat Tuesday and turning 41…which combined makes me fat and 41!  I got several gift cards for my birthday.  This is always exciting because every year I get plants for the yard and go on a planting spree.  If you don’t find that exciting, well then clearly you just don’t have a pulse.  Get some feelings. Spring is coming bitches and spring is about planting and beer.  The ironic thing is every season is about beer.  Beer is universal, like khaki.  With that said, it’s time for some Freaky Friday Favorites!

See more funny videos and TBT at Todays Big Thing.

see more funny videos, and check out our Insanity Wolf lols!

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.