Monday, February 14, 2011

The Real History of Valentine's Day

What in the hell?  I really have no words.

The history of Valentine’s Day is a bit of a mystery.  What we do know is Saint Valentine was martyred during the reign of Emperor Claudius.  There are several theories has to why he was murdered.  The truth of the story is that Saint Valentine was murdered by a little person called Cupidistic.  Cupidistic was an angry dwarf.  He was ten times angrier than the dwarf in Foul Play…and I’m not talking about the Bible salesman dwarf who Goldie Hawn pushed out the window and hit with a broom. 

Cupidistic was really pissed that Valentine didn’t like the new candies he created.  These candies were made from chocolate and they were in the shape of Romulus and Remus.  He wanted to sell them in a heart shaped box along with a matching hollow chocolate she-wolf.  Valentine thought this was stupid.  He actually carved “Cupidistic is Stupid and Wears a Diaper XLVCM” on clay tablets and handed them out.  History shows that he probably put the roman numerals in there just to give it more authority. 

This really sent Cupidistic over the edge.  He was also already really mad that he couldn’t get a dinner reservation on February 14.  He waited too long and his wife was going to kill him.  Cupidistic knew he had to take his revenge on Valentine.  So Cupidistic got some rope and climbed to the top of a pillar.  He tied the rope to the top of the pillar, put it around his waist and jumped off so he was hanging half-way up the pillar in wait for Valentine.  Later reports indicated it looked like he was flying.  When Valentine happened by a little later Cupidistic shot him with a poisoned arrow through the heart (incidentally this is where the 80s band ABC got the idea for their 1982 hit Poison Arrow).  Valentine died, of course, and the rest is history.

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