Gardening and Messing with Google

You should totally check out this blog:  House Wife How To's

Today seems like a good to rake leaves and tidy up the garden.  I also think I will get the supplies to make another squirrel-proof cover for my other box gardens.  I was so happy with the amount of tomatoes I got last season; I see no reason why I shouldn’t cover my other gardens the same way.  Click here for directions on how to make your own garden cover.

So far, I’ve gotten as far as taking the rake out to the back yard.  I decided to give myself a little humor boost and be productive with my procrastination…so, I typed stuff on Google just to see what suggested topics Google would throw at me.  If you haven’t done this, you are missing out because it is usually funny.  I took screenshots of my searches.  Enjoy!

My Mom's Birthday Surprise

There are just some days that your blog simply writes itself.  Spending the day with my mother is always like that.  So in lieu of WTF and WOW Recipe Wednesday, I’ll write about my day. The day started out with us picking Mom up to take her to Lowe’s to get supplies to build a box garden.  I decided to do that for her birthday.  She met me at the door, blocking the entrance and saying, “Let’s not build the garden, you’re tired from the drive yesterday.”  I told her I wasn’t and the garden was happening.  She said, “Don’t spend any money on that garden.”  Sigh…it just went on and on, but the garden was going to be built.   She then insisted she was going to drive.  Now here’s the deal…it takes my parents awhile to get anywhere.  They drive slowly because they are old.  My mom has added an extra feature of constantly slamming on the brakes for no reason.  As we were headed to the car, I said, “how about I drive and chauffer you around!”  Thankfully, she liked the idea.  So we piled into her 10 year old Chevy Malibu with only 59,084 miles on it and headed to Lowe’s.  As we left her neighborhood, she yelled, “OH!  I forgot my shoes!”  Tiffany and I looked at each other astonished because to loosely quote Andy Dufresne from The Shawshank Redemption, “When do you ever notice someone’s shoes?”  Back we go to get her shoes, and then we were off again to Lowe’s.  The shopping trip was eventful in the fact that we met a man who had a five day old puppy with him.  We played with the puppy and he said, “he (Gizmo was the dog’s name) is already off milk and eating dog food.”  WTF?!

We then picked up my dad and headed out to lunch.  Dad drove…we got there eventually.  On the way to the restaurant Mom asked me if I remembered the Kennedy assassination.  I said, “Well…I wasn’t born yet, but I have read about it.”  She said, “Oh, then I guess you wouldn’t remember that.”

After returning from lunch, I started construction on the garden.  Mom wanted to “help” and ended up standing everywhere I needed to work.  At one point, she even somehow got trapped inside the box garden and we had to help her step over.  Once I finished construction and moved on to painting, my Dad came out and said, “You are sweating.  Let me turn on the fan.”  My parents have a ceiling fan on the patio.  It has been there since 1982.  Dad went inside and flipped the switch.  Suddenly, I felt a thud on my back and felt a stinging pain.  I looked over at Tiffany she appeared to be moving in slow-motion and was mouthing, “W…A…S…P!”  My mom’s arms began flailing and she started screaming “Shut it off! Shut it off!” at my Dad.  Apparently, the wasps had built a nest inside the fan and got disturbed when Dad turned it on.  I turned around to see a swarm of wasps encircling the patio and my Dad unknowingly smiling and waving at us through the window.  I took off in a defensive run with the pain in my shoulder intensifying.  I should also mention that the wasps were hummingbird sized.   Turns out, I had been stung.  Tiffany took the stinger out.  My arm is numb, but I’ll live and we did laugh hysterically once the terror had died.  Finally, I finished the garden. 



Dad said, "Your Mom is sure proud of her new garden!"

She kept wanting to help.  She grabbed the cart.  It wasn't really all that helpful.

As God Is My Witness...I'll Never Go Hungry Again and Yellow Squash Stuffing

Last year I suffered a lot of grief and stress at the hands/paws/talon-like feet of various woodland creatures in my yard.  They ravaged my strawberries, tomatoes, squash, zucchini and sanity.  The frustration of watching fruits and vegetables nearly reach their pick time and then suddenly being stolen by animals in the dead of night is measurable only by being immeasurable.  The only thing exposing their cowardly crimes were the remnants left after the massacre…remnants that provided a visual to haunt my nightmares.  Finally, utterly broken, at the end of the season, I put on my gardening corset, petticoat and bonnet, I walked to my box gardens and shaking my parasol to the heavens made a vow to stop the insanity and grow some freaking food.  It looked a bit like this…

This season, I have honored that promise.  I made a cage for my tomatoes (click here for instructions) and hired 24 armed guards (armless guards can't shoot) to patrol the area.  The outcome has been amazing.  We are having tomatoes with nearly everything…including on our cereal in the morning.  I’ve also begun to share the fruits of my labor.  That is the great thing about gardeners, we share!  One of my friends bought me lots of squash from her mother’s garden.  It is delicious.  Here is a recipe I suggest you try if you are looking for something different to make with squash.

Yellow Squash Stuffing

Ingredients

2 cups diced yellow squash

2 cups crumbled cornbread (I just used Betty Crocker Cornbread Mix and made six muffins)

½ cup margarine, melted

2 teaspoons dried sage

1 (10.75 ounce) can cream of mushroom soup

1 egg, beaten

1 large onion, chopped

1 ½ teaspoons sugar

Salt and pepper to taste

¼ cup milk

Preparations

Place squash in a pot fitted with a steamer basket over boiling water, and steam 10 minutes, or until tender.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.  Lightly grease a medium baking dish.

In a bowl, mix the squash, cornbread, margarine, sage, cream of mushroom soup, egg, onion, sugar, salt and pepper, and milk.  Transfer to prepared baking dish.

Bake 30 minutes in the preheated oven, or until lightly browned.

Recipe Source

Click Here to Print Recipe!

Tomatoes!!!

I can't wait to make a cucumber salad with these guys.

This actually is a red pepper.  I may excitement pee in my pants when this pepper turns red!

Memorial Day Gardening

Back from the front in 1918
Source

Happy Memorial Day!!  I decided today, of course, I would cook out, spend the day in the sun and drink, but that I would also tune in to the History Channel to watch programming honoring those who have served our country in battle.  Sadly, I discovered that the History Channel had opted to show a Pawn Stars marathon.  I’m not sure why the History Channel would chose to ignore a day that could have been a good teaching opportunity…but, I suppose, I will just have to further lower my programming expectations for that channel.  Thankfully, the History Channel 2 is showing WWII and then the Vietnam War in HD all day.   I’ll keep my channel tuned to that instead of Pawn Stars.

I spent the morning gardening.  Part of my cookout later will include fish tacos.  I’m not in any way a fan of guacamole.  It is purely a texture thing with me, but Tiffany loves it.  It isn’t fair for me to deny her guacamole so I made some earlier.  The beauty of making it (aside from the gag reflex of removing the “meat” from the avacado) was that I got to use an onion and a tomato from my own garden.  I used to think people were crazy when they said, “food you make just tastes better,” but truly it does.  I tried the tomato and onion prior to combining them with the avocado.  They were delicious!!  I took up gardening to keep myself busy after getting laid off and now it is a legitimate way for me to provide fresh food for my family.  Here’s a look at what my garden yielded this morning, plus the way I prepared Tiff’s guacamole.

Potatoes!!!

This is the first pepper from one of my red pepper plants.  I used red peppers all the time.  I'm anxiously awaiting for this pepper to turn red!

Super Easy Guacamole

Ingredients

2 Avocados
1/2 onion, chopped
2 tablespoons of parsley, chopped
1 tablepoons fresh lime or lemon juice
salt and pepper to taste
1/2 ripe tomato, pulp removed and chopped

Preparation
Cut avocados in half and scoop avocado from peel.  Save the seeds if you'd like to try to grow an avocado tree.  See picture below to see how to start it.  Leave the seed end in the water for three to six weeks prior to planting.  I'll keep you posted as to how my avocado tree project is coming along.  Use a fork to mash avocado.  Add onion, parsley, lime or lemon juice, salt and pepper and tomato.  Combine completely with fork.  Cover with plastic wrap completely to prevent oxidation  from air reaching guac and place in the fridge until ready to serve.

Roses and My Mom

I planted a rose garden not too long ago.  I divorced roses years ago because they got all diseased plus the thorns are just scary.  I have an irrational fear of rose thorns and cacti.  I know at any moment, I’m going to fall and get ripped to shreds.  It keeps me awake at night occasionally.  But I decided to meet my crazy head on and plant some roses.  They are already blooming and I have yet to fall and rip my flesh off on the thorns!  I’m hopeful that this project will turn out nicely.

Source

I talked to my mom yesterday.  She got a wedding shower invitation in the mail.  She read it to me in detail four times.  She also mentioned (3 times) the opening of a new grocery store in town.  She told me that my dad was going to drive her by the store.  They were going to circle like sharks to see if they wanted to go in the store.  Once the reconnaissance mission was completed, mom planned to call all her friends and report back to them her thoughts about this new store.  I hung up the phone satisfied that mom and dad had a very busy day planned.

Box Garden Squirrel-Proof Cover

Last year’s gardening experience was quite rewarding…except for the rampant theft of my tomatoes by the squirrels.  This year, I vowed it would be different.  I had an idea of what I wanted to create and I knew I wanted to keep the cost low.  PVC and plastic was my first thought, but ultimately I just went with wood and chicken wire.  It turned out sturdy and light-weight so I could easily move it if necessary.  I’m hoping I made the Fort Knox of tomato plant protection.  Time will tell and I’ll keep you posted.

For the project, I used a jigsaw, drill, staple gun, chicken wire, light-weight boards, screws and Sierra Nevada Pale Ale.  The Pale Ale obviously being mandatory for any construction project.

I bought eight 1x2x8 furring strips.  They were $.75 each.  I also used 24" by 24' poultry wire.  It was the most expensive part of the project at $12 a roll.

I just started building and drinking.  I made the top first.  I attached the wire netting together at the top by wrapping the wires together.  Squirrels are clever.  People have to be cleverer.

I obviously built the structure larger than the box garden to give the tomatoes plants room to grow.  BTW, I've named the plants Kristy McNichol and Matt Dillion.  I put furring strips in the middle to staple where the two strips of wire netting met.  

I left one side open.  I made sure I could lean all the way in to pick the beautiful tomatoes that will grow, untouched my squirrel hands.  

I had a left-over 2x4 from when I built my box gardens last year.  I used this to create a "door."  I needed something heavier than the furring strips to keep the door secured.  I stapled the wire to the two boards.

I placed to nails in the furring strip on the top to hold my "door" in place.  I secured the sides by bending the chicken wire ends.  the "door" is secure, yet easy to remove to pick the fully ripe, beautifully red and perfect-tasting tomatoes later in the season.

Plant Sex and Good Wieners

I just spent the morning hand pollinating my zucchini and squash plants.  I feel dirty.  I didn’t ever think I would have to help my plants have sex, but alas I did.  I’m sure there were plenty of pollinators hanging out in my yard, but clearly they wanted to watch me do their job.  I suspect the bees were laughing at me.  Bastards.  I kept noticing an overabundance of male flowers in the garden box (which we will call the “bar” for this post).  The male flowers at the “bar” looked really pretty, but basically did nothing.  The poor female flowers got so bombarded by the male flowers that they ended up just dying.  The females could not stand all the attention, drink buying, staring and ridiculous dancing with bad out-of-date moves and constant biting of the lower lip in an attempt to look sexy.  I watched the goings on in the “bar” for a few weeks.  I waited patiently for some actual fruit.  Nothing.  Finally, I knew I had to take matters into my own hands…literally.  I changed the music at the “bar” to Barry White.  I told those men to basically just shut up and listen.  Stop talking, stop dancing…just stop doing anything at all.  After dinner with a nice wine followed by a cheesy chick flick movie, I took the male’s anther and touched it to the female’s stigma a couple of times.  We then all went back to the “bar” for a cigarette.  I’m thinking, finally, these fools will produce actual squash and zucchini.  We shall see.

Tomorrow is Memorial Day.  How do we honor those who have died for our country?  We cook out, of course.  This is America and America = food. Hamburgers are always good.  The only advice I can give on those is ONLY FLIP ONCE.  Hot dogs are often just an after-thought.  If you are looking for a little more spice or even to only cook hot dogs this Memorial Day, check out these yummy wiener recipes. 

Fireside Hot Dogs with Spicy Chips (www.foodnetwork.com)

Ingredients
Spicy Chips
I cup of tortilla chips
Nonstick cooking spray
Chili-lime powder

Hot Dogs
Olive oil
½ onion, thinly sliced
4 strips of bacon
1 tablespoon soy sauce
1 tablespoon lime juice
¼ teaspoon Worcestershire sauce
8 beef hot dogs
Mayonnaise
8 hot dog buns
Ketchup
Mustard

Preparation
For the spicy chips:  preheat the oven to 350 degrees.  Spray tortilla chips with nonstick cooking spray.  Sprinkle with the chili-lime powder and toss to combine.  Transfer the chips to a baking sheet and bake for 6 minutes.

For hot dogs:  heat a medium, heavy skillet over medium-high heat.  Add the bacon and cook until all the fat has rendered, about five minutes.  Add the onions and cook until translucent, about 3 minutes.  Add the soy sauce, lime juice and Worcestershire sauce, stirring to combine.  Cook for 30 seconds and turn off heat.  Transfer the mixture to medium bowl and set aside.  Using the same pan, cook the hot dogs over medium heat until golden brown and cooked through, about five minutes per side.  Transfer to a plate and wrap tightly with aluminum foil to keep warm.  To assemble each hot dog, spread some mayonnaise on each bun.  Put a hot dog in each bun, top with the onion mixture and crumbled spicy chips and serve with ketchup and mustard.

Tummy Dogs (www.tasteofhome.com)

Ingredients
8 bacon strips
8 hot dogs
4 ounces of Monterey Jack cheese, cut into strips
¼ cup butter or margarine, softened
¼ cup Dijon mustard
8 hot dog buns
1 small onion, thinly sliced
1 (4 ounce) can diced green chilies
toothpicks

Preparation
Partially cook bacon; drain on paper towels.  Cut a ¼ inch lengthwise slit in each hot dog; place cheese in each slit.  Starting at one end, wrap bacon in a spiral around hot dog; secure with toothpicks.  Split buns just halfway.  Combine butter and mustard; spread inside buns.  Set aside.  On a covered grill over medium heat, cook hot dogs with cheese side down for two minutes.  Place bun on grill with cut side down; grill until lightly toasted.  Remove toothpicks from the hot dogs; serve in buns with onions and chilies. 

Hot Sweet Vidalia Onion Relish (www.razzledazzlerecipes.com)

Ingredients
1 tablespoon oil
1 Vidalia onion, diced
¼ red and green bell peppers, diced
2 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley
1 tablespoon lime juice
1 teaspoon fresh mint
½ teaspoon honey
¼ teaspoon salt and cayenne pepper

Preperation
Heat the oil in a skillet over medium high setting.  Sauté the peppers and onion; remove from the heat when the onions are translucent and the peppers have wilted slightly.  Stir in the ingredients that remain and serve while warm.

What's Growing in my Garden

Is there anything creepier than a close-up picture of a doll face?

My first foray into gardening is still progressing nicely…are at least, I think, it is progressing nicely.  I’m growing stuff, so that seems like I’m doing something right.  The one thing that has definitely been an ongoing battle would be growing strawberries.  After planting them, I soon discovered I had a yard full of gangsta squirrels.  I tried a plastic owl, Cayenne pepper, pepper spray stuff from Home Depot, lights, rubber snakes, the coon dogs from Where the Red Fern Grows, Vatican guards, fireworks and a Nicaraguan death squad.  Nothing worked.  I finally just dug up the strawberries and put them in pots.  I moved the pots by the windows in the garage.  All this work and Tiffany and I have eaten one strawberry.  We cut it in four pieces.  It was a really good, but a very brief strawberry eating experience.   I replaced the strawberries with squash and zucchini.  I grew them from seeds.  At this point, I feel like they are about to graduate from middle school…actual grown up zucchini and squash will not be far behind.  I also planted a pumpkin plant.  I gift from a friend (thanks Colt!).  We are hoping we’ll have pumpkins to carve for Halloween.  I also grew potatoes and broccoli! Sure they may be the smallest potatoes and broccoli florets in the world…but still, I grew them. Hands down, however, the thing I am most excited about are my tomato plants.  Jodie Foster is the cherry tomato plant and Mariska Hargitay and Marg Helgenberger are my big boy tomato plants.  I put my hands on their tomatoes as much as possible.  Jodie Foster has been giving us lots of cherry tomatoes and Mariska and Marg are growing tomatoes now, too. 

Click here for how to building garden boxes, click here for a past update and check out new update pictures below.

A salad made from romaine lettuce grown in my garden.

I open the garage door to let the strawberries sun themselves.  I suspect moments after this picture was taken a squirrel stole any berries growing on the plants.

squash and zucchini

small, but tasty

Jodie Foster

Touching one of Markisa's tomatoes.

Mariska and Marg

Garden Update

If you remember some time back, I built a few garden boxes.  This was my first attempt at gardening ever.  Other than some corn, I attempted to grow when I was seven.  On a shopping trip to T.G. & Y., unbeknownst to anyone, I bought some seeds. Once we got home, I planted the corn in the back yard.  My organic corn plan, was not a hit with my mother.  She didn't seem to appreciate the large stalks growing in random places throughout the backyard.  At any rate, the corn didn’t make it to harvest. 

So far, I feel like my garden is progressing nicely.  The herbs have been no problem.  I’ve already been cooking with them. Fresh herbs are the best.  I’ve also already grown my own garlic.  Tiffany came home from work and the garlic smell in the house nearly knocked her over, but the taste is spectacular.  As for the garden boxes, I took some photos to track the progress.



My cherry tomato plant a.k.a. Jodie Foster.  If you look closely you can see three tomatoes!

Squash, zucchini and green peppers...grown from seeds. 

Strawberries!

A squirrel ate some of my strawberries.  I put this owl there to scare the shit out of that squirrel or any others who try to eat my strawberries.  I really like this owl.  I may take him around to places and take pictures of his travels.  Sort of like Flat Stanley...only not flat and an owl.

My tomato plants a.k.a. Mariska Hargitay (right) and Marg Helgenberger (left).

Harpo

 I got this sign at Urban Cottage (http://www.shopurbancottage.com/).  We love our weird neighborhood, so this sign seemed appropriate.



Building Garden Boxes

One of the things I have always wanted to do is gardening.  The thought of growing and then cooking your own food just seems so appealing to me.  So pioneer chic. I just never had the time because of the 50+ hours per week I used to toil away at my job.  But now that I’m a bum…time is not an issue! 

I decided the best option for our yard would be to create a box garden.   We have a weird three-tiered yard, so I chose the second tier for my garden area.  Apparently you need six hours of sun per day, so this was the best spot.  I then measured to determine the best sizes for the boxes.  I decided one 4’ x 4’ box and two 4’ x 2’ boxes. Then it was off to Home Depot. I got some premium studs (premium studs…hahahaha) mostly because they were on sale (discounted premium studs…hahahahaha) and long galvanized screws (because you have to screw the premium studs…hahahahaha).

Other things you’ll need:

Drill

Saw (I used a jigsaw) unless you get the store to cut the wood for you

Measuring tape

Favorite music

Electricity

Beer

Landscaping fabric for bottom of garden boxes

Potting soil

Garden fencing (this will be trial and error as far as wild animals, but at this point I’m mostly hoping to keep our dogs out)



blank slate




Sam Adams Noble Pils is a very good garden box building brew...of course pace yourself you are using power tools.



Improvise when you don't have saw horses!

I just made this up as I went...

Presto first box done!

That damn thing was really heavy so you'll need help getting it to your location.

I drilled holes in the top of the box to place the garden fencing. 



Done!  Time for more beer!