Past Presidential Elections and Sesame Street - "True" History Tuesday

BREAKING NEWS:  “True” History Tuesday scholarly researchers just discovered that this year’s presidential election is not the first time Sesame Street came under fire.  This year PBS (network home of Sesame Street) came under attack with Mitt Romney’s aggressive statement regarding the life of Big Bird.  Apparently, Grover from Sesame Street was also a hot potato in the presidential election of 1892.  During this election, President Benjamin Harrison discovered that his advisory, Grover Cleveland, had an illegitimate son.  Shockingly, the illegitimate son was the result of union between Cleveland and a Muppet.  Harrison refused to use the information against Cleveland and ultimately Cleveland won.  This left Grover Cleveland with the distinction of being the 22 and 24 President of the United States.  

French Toast – “True” History Tuesday

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Everyone knows that French Toast is basically just bread (usually a bit stale) soaked in eggs and then fried, but did you know it isn’t actually from France and isn’t actually made from toast?  French Toast actually originated in Siam and was made from beef.  Chang and Eng Bunker (Siamese twins from P.T. Barnum fame) actually invented the dish.  The two were fighting one day over dinner.  Chang wanted beef and Eng wanted fried eggs.  Chang ended up slapping Eng, which actually hurt Chang because they were conjoined.  With the inability of either twin to storm off in anger and slam a door, they compromised.  Chang dunked his beef in Eng’s egg bowl and then they fried the egg-soaked beef.  For fun, Eng added powdered sugar and syrup.  The dish was delicious and the twins decided to call it Beef Egg.  P.T. Barnum hated the idea and made some modifications.  He changed the beef to toast and renamed the recipe French Toast because using the word French made it sound like it came from France.  Everyone was happy.  Chang was so thrilled he grabbed a piece of cardboard and started to break dance.  This made Eng mad because they were conjoined.

Conquistador Cats – “True” History Tuesday

In addition to basically being a real asshole, Francisco Vasquez Coronado was also not the brightest crayon in the box.  In 1540, Coronado traveled north from Mexico City in search of the Seven Cities of Cibola.  The expedition was not really an exploration, but a search for riches to be plundered and brought back to Spain.  He is credited with the “accidental” discovery of the Grand Canyon because basically you’d have to be a complete moron to miss it when you are on an expedition of the Southwest.  This discovery did not necessarily impress him; because he was convinced he could find the fabled Seven Cities of Cibola.  Another dolt idea of Coronado’s was the use of large domesticated cats for Conquistador expeditions.  

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Angelina Jolie's Leg and the Costa Concordia – “True” History Tuesday

The “True” History Tuesday executive research team has uncovered evidence suggesting that Angelina Jolie’s right leg was involved in the tumping over of the Costa Concordia cruise ship.  Obviously, the entire capsizing was a complete accident, but evidence suggests that the slight hip movement and jetting out of said leg in a dramatic stance caused a hacky-sack-like kick to the ship’s hull.  The accident occurred during fittings of the Versace dress that Jolie ultimately wore to the 84^th Annual Academy Awards.  Evidence also suggests that the kick would have had nothing to do with the capsizing and had more of a heavy-winds-type of effect on the ship, if it weren’t for the moronic actions of the ship’s captain, Francesco Schettino.  The moronic actions include traveling too fast in shallow waters, being too close to the rocky shoreline and being distracted on the bridge by a 25-year-old Moldovan dancer.

Chris Kringle and Christopher Cross – “True” History Tuesday

Everyone knows Santa Claus as the jolly man who stuffs his fat ass down your chimney to deliver presents on Christmas Eve.   He travels the world in a sleigh led by flying reindeer.  He lives at the North Pole with a bunch of toy making elves.  This has been the story for years, but what you don’t know is Santa Claus also loves to sing and hates disco. 

Santa Claus, also known as Chris Kringle, got really pissed during the rise of disco in the 1970s.   He was always a singer and songwriter, but he only ever performed for Mrs. Claus and the elves.  His anger at disco convinced him it was time to take his singing to a wider audience.  He used some of his secret glitter magic, the same magic he uses to make reindeer fly, to alter his looks just slightly and then mesmerize record executives at Warner Brothers.  His debut album soared to the top of the charts.  His haunting ballads captivated the world.  He sang of sailing and riding like the wind and nobody every guessed he was singing about his sleigh and reindeer.  He really kicked disco in the boogie oogie oogie ass with his music.  Before going back to the North Pole he recorded Arthur’s Theme for the movie Arthur.  This song was actually about one of his favorite elves who had a drinking problem.  Christopher Cross Claus Kringle will always be remembered for Christmas and his record-breaking debut album Christopher Cross.  

The Seven Dwarfs – “True” History Tuesday

Everyone knows the story of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, but what most people don’t realize is the contributions of the dwarfs to pharmacology.  This sad fact pissed off the dwarfs more than their lack of height.  All seven were more than annoyed that they went down in history for their short time with Snow White rather than the drugs they created.  They all died knowing it was a conspiracy of the major drug companies, combined with shady dealings of the insurance companies to hide the true origins of the drugs, take credit, and split the massive profits.

All of the dwarfs were chemists.  Snow White never visited their state of the art laboratory.  Many years before the arrival of Snow White, all but one of the dwarfs had created their own medicine.  In hindsight, this fact better explains their names.  Grumpy was the only dwarf to not create a drug.  He was just too pissed off to care.  Grumpy was born a hermaphrodite and had been going through menopause for years.  Doc simply could not deal with the mood swings this hormonal change caused in Grumpy.  It wasn’t like Grumpy was all that pleasant before menopause.  As a joke, and because he was so annoyed, Doc decided to give Grumpy a glass of horse piss.  Suprisingly, Grumpy’s mood improved.  Doc figured out the horse was a pregnant mare.  The hormones replaced by drinking the piss helped Grumpy.  Doc combined the piss with a gel matrix and created Premarin.

Dopey always claimed to be in pain.  None of the dwarfs believed him since he never actually got hurt.  Dopey decided to deal with his “pain” by combining Tylenol and hydrocodone.  The effects were super.  Dopey hardly ever got up out of bed.  He named his drug creation Lortab.  Bashful was super shy.  He never could have any fun at the Raves he liked to attend.  He went to the lab to try to find a solution to his shy ways.  He created Ecstasy.  He was so delighted with his new drug that his face hurt from smiling the next day.   Happy was jealous of Bashful and his newly found blatant not bashfulness.  His jealously eventually made him depressed.  He stayed in bed for weeks with Dopey.  Finally, he decided to get up and find a solution in the lab.  The combination he created made him totally forget he was even jealous of Bashful.  He made Prozac.

Sneezy could not take his allergies anymore.  In fact, all the dwarfs were sick of the sneezing.  Together they worked to find a solution, but ultimately it was Sneezy who solved his sneezing problem.  He made Claritin.  Before Sneezy’s success with Claritin, Sleepy could not get any sleep.  All of Sneezy’s sneezing kept him awake.  He looked awful.  He knew he had to do something to get some sleep.  As was the custom with all the Dwarfs, he headed to the lab.  Even in a lack of sleep haze, Sleepy created Ambien.  He got the best sleep ever, but eventually discovered he was sleep eating.  He didn’t care about the rapid weight gain because the sleep was so amazing.  And all the Dwarfs lived happily ever after.

Cougar Christmas Joy with Mariah Carey and Justin Bieber – “True” History Tuesday

Last week during the annual lighting of the Rockefeller Tree special, “true” history was made when horrific was taken to a new level.  Mariah Carey paired up with Justin Bieber to remake her song, “All I Want for Christmas is You.”  The video also known as the “hey, look at my ass video” features Carey standing against the wall doing the classic “hey, look at my ass” suggestive pose complete with Salvation Army bell thrusts in a whipping-like manner.  The video also features Bieber with his home boys racing around Macy’s with shopping carts…shopping carts in Macy’s???  That is even less believable than wanting to look at Mariah’s ass.    The video also includes an overly, obvious subliminal advertisement for Nintendo 3DS. The cougar climax occurs when Carey and Bieber jump into Santa Carey’s sleigh (that BTW Bieber is not old enough to drive).  Apparently they are all each other wants for Christmas…or is it a puppy they want?  It is all very cougar confusing.  If “true” history Tuesday was going to do a parody of this video it would look exactly like this video.

Gonzo and Oscar the Grouch – “True” History Tuesday

It was widely believe, based upon false information presented to us during the Muppets from Space film, that Gonzo the Great was actually an alien.  This was a complete cover up story designed to protect that illicit and long-running affair between the Muppet rocker Janice and Sesame Street’s Snuffleupagus.   Obviously, there was always intermingling between the Muppets and the Sesame Street characters, but this relationship took it to an entirely different level.  Even more shocking is that Gonzo the Great had a brother, Oscar the Grouch.  Not only did they both share a THE in their names and eerily similar ping pong ball eyes, but unbeknownst to them they also shared the same Y chromosome.

Janice met Snuffleupagus while on tour with Dr. Teeth and the Electric Mayhem Band.  They had a benefit gig at Hooper’s Store.  Janice spotted Snuffleupagus and fell madly in love when she heard him say, “Hey Bird.”  They knew their love was forbidden and must be hidden from all the muppet puppets.  When Oscar was born they panicked and threw him in a trash can.  Amazingly, he survived and actually thrived in this environment…although his temperament was grouchy, at best.  Their reckless affair continued and yielded another baby two years later.  Again, they were consumed by panic.  They opted to launch him to space in a high powered circus canon.  Gonzo also flourished and thoroughly enjoyed being raised by his alien parents.  The Janice and Snuffleupagus affair finally ended when they discovered they just weren’t compatible.

Another Muppet scandal involved the affair between Wayne and Wanda.  This affair, of course, was not secret to anyone.  They were vomitously affectionate with each other.  What they hid from the world is they too had an illegitimate child, Pepe the King Prawn.  

Jerry Sandusky - "True" History Tuesday

It would be a dream come true to report on “True” History Tuesday that people accused of doing what Jerry Sandusky is accused of doing don’t exist.   Sadly, they do.  Reading the Grand Jury’s Report on Sandusky is a horrifying endeavor.  The report demonstrates classic pedophilic behavior; an adult who gravitates toward troubled kids, gains their trust, gives them gifts and then makes them their victims.  The denial and complacency of some of the people around Sandusky is disturbing at best.  I feel no remorse for Joe Paterno getting fired.  If his legacy is a warning to others who do nothing, than that is a something way more important than football.  He did some amazing and generous things during his long tenure at Penn State, but not taking decisive action when presented with information about the rape of a 10 year old boy is morally wrong.  There was a small chance that this boy could have regained some trust in society, but it was just a case of another adult who let him down by doing nothing to protect him. I wish this “true” history report could have been that Sandusky had been stopped earlier, or that these terrible events never happened, or that the circle of molestation had not started with Sandusky probably being molested himself, but sadly this history will likely prove to be an awful truth.

The Original Thanksgiving – “True” History Tuesday

The original Thanksgiving was actually the result of an incident in the Grand Canyon.  A family went camping and two of their children, Bobby and Cindy, got lost. Thankfully, they encountered an Indian boy named Jimmy.  The Indian boy wanted to be an astronaut, but the family just made him a turkey, stuffing and cranberry dinner.  The housekeeper’s boyfriend, Sam killed the turkey for dinner. During the “thank goodness our dramatical kids didn’t get lost forever dinner” shortened to Happy Thanksgiving, Cindy erupted in an angry rampage when she couldn’t find her Kitty Karry-All doll.  Naturally, she accused Jimmy first because…well, Jimmy is an Indian.  Then she turned her anger toward Bobby.  Turns out the family dog, Tiger, actually stole the stupid and ugly doll.

After the meal, the family played the first ever Thanksgiving football game.  The oldest daughter, Marcia had been crushing on two Indians named Charlie and Doug.  They were having a rain dance in a few days and Marcia inadvertently made a date with both guys.  She made an excuse to Charlie so she could go with Doug.  Doug was the kind of guy who only wanted a pretty squaw or girl on his arm.  Well anyway, during the after meal football game Marcia was hit on the nose by a football.  This resulted in her nose swelling up and looking hideous.  Doug immediately left the game without not so much as a goodbye to Marcia.  The football game continued until Greg, Bobby and Peter broke their mother Carol’s favorite vase.  The idiots tried to glue it back together.  The only person who could not see the water leaking out of the lamp was the middle daughter, Jan.  Everyone realized she needed glasses.  At this point, Marcia dumped Charlie and decided to take Davy Jones to the rain dance.

After the game the family returned to their campsite and discovered a strange and taboo Tiki idol.  The Tiki idol was carved by the Indians.  They laughed when Greg wiped out during the after pumpkin pie surfing competition.  Bobby decided he needed to be a safety monitor to keep such accidents to a minimum.  Just before the family crashes for a tryptophan induced nap, Jan had a complete fit.  She was angry that none of the Indians at the Thanksgiving dinner could tell her apart from Marcia.  She decided the only solution to this problem was to wear a black wig.   Then Cousin Oliver showed up and everyone left because he was so annoying.

Kim Kardashian’s Wedding - “True” History Tuesday

72 days ago Kim Kardashian married NBA star Kris Humphries.  The world went completely cra cra.  I’m still baffled why anyone actually gave a shit about this wedding and all the hype surrounding it.  Perhaps I’m cynical because, being a lesbian; I’m denied the option of legally wedding my partner of over 16 years.  Not that I really believe a legal certificate makes a relationship real (clearly Kardashian made that point for me), but having that option available to you seems like a fair enough request.  It especially seems like a fair request when ridiculous shams like this happen.  Not that I can slight Kardashian, I mean she got rich off this deal…mostly because people go completely crackerjack insane over fairy tale weddings.  If I were her, I’d be laughing at all the morons who bought into this shit and skipping to the bank to cash all the checks (checks, BTW, that add up to $27,000,000).  I think a writer for Chicago Now put it best:  “I figured out that between the $10MM cost of her wedding (she didn’t pay a dime) and the reported 17MM she received for doing it, it was $651 per minute marriage.  Or $10.85 per second.  Minimum wage is $7.25 per hour.  In a 40 hour work week that comes to $290; per year it’s $15,080.  So basically, the amount that was spent on Kimbo getting married would pay a minimum wage annual salary to 1,800 people.”  Click here for full story.

I’ve never watched her show, I didn’t care that she got married and I don’t so much care that she is getting divorce, but the principal of it all annoys me.  I’d like to make a joke about it and say this is “true” history, but it is just true.  Setting aside a group of people and denying the right to marriage is discrimination.  I don’t really get mad about it, because you get used to that kind of stuff.  But I do get mad, when something like the Kardashian wedding and now divorce after 72 days happens.  Gays should be able to make a mockery out of the sanctity of marriage just like the straights.  It just isn’t fair.

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"True" History Tuesday - Horror Relay Runners

The largest relay race competition in the world is the Norwegian Holmenkollstafetten.  Traditionally, over 30,000 runners compete.  The most exciting part of the event is always the 4 x 400 meter race.  In this race four runners run 100 meters each and pass a baton.  The worst time ever recorded at this competition was in 1978, but ironically the worst time was also the winning time that year. 

The four runners of that team were the Creature from the Black Lagoon, Frankenstein, a Sleestak and Michael Myers.  The four got together and really wanted to make a name for themselves as runners.  They had a unique baton.  It was a large butcher knife.  It soon became apparent, due to their complete lack of any running abilities whatsoever, that they would never perform at the competitive level.  Naturally, they were all upset, but decided they wouldn’t let this stop them from running at the Holmenkollstafetten.  Their new strategy was just to kill all of the other runners.  Their strategy worked.  It was messy, but successful because most of the runners lived near water, prehistoric caves, an insane asylum, or a village.  When the race started there was only one team.  The race took 5 hours, 22 minutes and 8 seconds.

“True” History Tuesday – Stretch Armstrong and Blog History Award

“True” history Tuesday scholars have uncovered information proving Stretch Armstrong was, in fact, a real person.  Armstrong lived in Oslo, Norway in the early 19^th century.  His real name was Clive Armstrongonium.  From the moment he was born, his parents knew he was not your typical child.  Within months of his birth, he was able to reach across his room to his favorite teddy bear.  By the time he was one, he could wrap his arms around his body four times.  His parents were not embarrassed by his condition and would actually have friends over and encourage them to pull on Clive’s limbs and let their kids jump rope around his torso.  Clive loved the attention.  He was very popular around Halloween because he could easily scare people by tapping on their shoulder while he hid two rooms away in a closet.  When Armstrongonium grew up he became a world class wrestler.  He even walked around in his little black Speedo when he wasn’t wrestling.  People thought the 24/7 Speedo wearing was a bit strange, but never found it strange that he could stretch his arm all the way to row 9 from inside the wrestling rink.  Sadly, Clive died in 1941 from an overstretching wrestling incident.  Although distraught, spectators marveled at the red goo that oozed out of Armstrongonium’s wounds.  His legacy was further remembered in the seventies when he was immortalized in a stretchable doll.  Makers decided another name was more suitable.  The doll was called Stretch Armstrong.

“True” History Tuesday has some exciting news!!!  We won an award for blogging in 1927.  You’ll notice a new picture on the right side of the screen.  We are pleased to display the Blogshit Award!  We want to thank our parents, our readers and Jesus Christ!!!

"True" History Tuesday - Dr. Atkins Invented Crescent Rolls

Physician and Cardiologist, Dr. Robert Coleman Atkins is best known for the Atkins Nutritional Approach, otherwise known as the Atkins Diet.  The controversial diet involves control of carbohydrate consumption. Ever since the diet was revealed in 1972, people have been torturing themselves during the induction phase of the diet.  Several violent interchanges between people can be attributed to what happens on day three of this phase.  People have been struck, stabbed, punched, kicked and run over for just a piece of biscuit or dinner roll.  However, once past induction the diet does actually work.

In addition to the Atkins Diet, Dr. Atkins also invented Pillsbury Crescent Rolls.  While in his lab researching how carbohydrates overproduce insulin and metabolize blood glucose, Dr. Atkins got hungry.  He wanted a nice, buttery, flaky, bread snack.  Since he was researching carbohydrates, he thought it would be nice if that bread snack were shaped a little like the letter C.  Experimenting with various recipes he eventually stumbled upon his favorite.  He decided to call them crescent rolls since crescent also begins with the letter C.  While eating the rolls, Atkins completed his nutritional research and in 1972 published his book, Dr. Atkin’s Diet Revolution.

“True” History Tuesday – Armless Juggalo Jackson and Juggling

Stonewall Jackson was a Confederate general during the Civil War.  He was nearly as well known as Robert E. Lee.  He was an exceptional tactical commander.  He received the name “Stonewall” during the First Battle of Bull Run.   He held his line and showed extreme bravery in battle.  His behavior led Brig. General Barnard Elliott Bee, Jr to shout at his troops, “There is Jackson standing like a stone wall.”  The name stuck even though Bee was shot immediately after uttering the statement. 

What is not well-known about Jackson was that he was a fan of Insane Clown Posse and he invented juggling.  In May of 1863, during the Battle of Chancellorsville, Confederate soldiers were on watch for Union soldiers.  They accidently shot Jackson in the arm.  When they realized their mistake they exclaimed, “Sorry, Mr. Jackson OOOHHH, we are for real, never meant to make your daughter cry, we apologize a trillion times.”  Stonewall Jackson survived the gunshot, but his arm had to be amputated.  Small bags filled with beans were placed around the nub that was once his arm.  Out of boredom during the recovery phase, Jackson picked up the bean bags and began tossing them about.  Eventually, he was able to keep two or more of the bean bags in the air at one time by alternately tossing and catching them.  He impressed the troops with his skills.  Because he was a Juggalo, he decided to call this new skill juggling.  Sadly, he died from pneumonia eight days after getting shot.

“True” History Tuesday – The Bee Gees Were Actually the Three Musketeers

Alexandre Dumas’ novel, The Three Musketeers was actually based on the disco group The Bee Gees.  It is irrelevant that the novel came out in 1844 in France and The Bee Gees were from Australia and popular in the 1970s.  Athos (Barry), Porthos (Robin) and Aramis (Maurice) were three jive talkin’ friends who were actually brothers.  They had another brother friend named d’Artagnan (Andy).  d’Artandy made sporadic appearances with the group, but mostly had a solo career and dated (Constance) Victoria Principle. The brothers said Victoriance was more than a woman.  It was a tragedy that d’Artandy died before his time.  Barathos, Rorthos and Mauricamis ended up stayin’ alive and making more music. 

The Three Discoteers had a saying, “all for one, one for all should be dancing, yeah.”  This slogan was emblazoned on satin jackets and ironed-on t-shirts all over the world.  They finally headed toward the lights on Broadway, but Hollywood was where they found more success.  Saturday Night Fever became a huge hit, plus The Three Musketeers movie has been made and remade over 350 times.  Sadly, disco eventually died and all the brothers came down with night fever.  

"True" History Tuesday - Peppermint Patty was the Author of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell

It was announced today that the U.S. military is ready for the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.  Ending this particularly stupid named legislation would allow homosexuals to finally and fantastically serve openly in the military.  A rarely stated fact of the 17-year-old law is that Peppermint Patty is the actual author of the initial bill.  Peppermint Patty really thought she was fooling people when she starred in Peanuts.  The very obvious closeted lesbian, who over the top tried to hide her homosexuality with a nearly stalking and often violent “crush” on Charlie “Chuck” Brown, had convinced herself that if nobody asked she wouldn’t have to tell what she unsuccessfully hid from the public. 

The Birkenstock wearing Peppermint Patty’s true passion was Marcie.  Marcie called her sir and followed her around, this led Peppermint Patty to believe they were the same.  True to her nature and “tomboy” ways, she loved uniforms.  Peppermint Patty spent hours imagining Marcie in military uniforms.  Her favorite was the Navy Admiral uniform.  When Marcie never returned her affections or even dressed up for her in a uniform when they went to the military surplus store, Peppermint Patty grew sullen.  As she aged, she secretly fought against gay-rights.  She eventually went on to become a lobbyist and under the guise of gay-rights wrote the guidelines for Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell and moved them up the ranks to congress.  She eventually went on to take over the body of Chastity now Chaz Bono and is starring on Dancing with the Stars. She is happy with herself now and pleased with the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.

"True" History Tuesday - The Swedish Chalupa

Most all people believe the deep fried tostado dish known as the chalupa was invented in Mexico.  It certainly seems like a part of Mexican cuisine, but surprisingly the dish was actually invented in by a Swede in Russia in 1895.  Swedish entrepreneur and engineer Willgodt Theophil Odhner is responsible for filling masa dough with chicken, onion, chipotle pepper and green salsa and frying it up.  Odhner had spent years in his lab creating and perfecting the Odhner Arithmometer.  The arithmometer was basically a large pinwheel mechanical calculator.

Before inventing his calculator, Odhner added things up by lining up avocados, tomatoes, cilantro leaves, onions, limes, Corona Lights and masa tortilla chips.  He’d count and count.  This process really took up a lot of space on his lab tabletops.  It also made him very hungry.  It was just not the best way to add.  Sometimes he would lose count simply by eating a chip and then he had to start all over again.  This frustrating process inspired his creativity and eventually led to the invention of his calculator.  In celebration, Odhner went to his deep fat fryer and fried up the masa dough and put all the other ingredients on top.  It smelled really good so he ate it and exclaimed, “muy bueno, Очень хорошо and Väldigt bra; Jättebra!” 

“True” History Q & A

Today I thought I would take the time to answer some reader questions regarding “True” History Tuesday.

Anonymous:  Where do you get your information for “True” History Tuesday?

Me:  Years of study abroad and degrees from Yale and Harvard have allowed me the opportunity to learn a shitton about history.  I also spent time in the Congo, Rainforest and Yellowstone.

Historylover:  What is your source for saying Lewis and Clark adopted an Asian baby?

Me:  The I’m a Homo, You’re Not monthly newsletter

Henryswives:  Thank you so much for finally answering the question about what happened to Anne Boleyn’s head!

Me:  I’m glad I could clear that up for you.  Changing lives and bringing peace to the world is the very least thing I am trying to accomplish.

Marty Krofft:  Where do you get off saying H.R. Pufnstuf shot Abraham Lincoln??

Me:  Pictures don’t lie and I don’t even have Photoshop.

Anonymous:  “True” History is the biggest bunch of bullshit I have ever read.

Me:  Seeing how large and how much information is on the internet, I’ll take that as quite a compliment.  Thank you.

AnnaAnderson:  I always suspect that Rasputin invented the Ice Schlong.  I think of him every time I get a snow cone.

Me:  That post was one of my most exhausting research endeavors to date.  Traveling to Siberia is never easy or warm.

GourmetGuru:  I honestly will never eat pork rinds (Marie Antoinette’s hair) and Arby’s curly fries (Indian guy with those long nails) again.  Yuck.

Me:  I’m just the messenger.  I’m sorry to have altered your dietary standards.

AxeHandle:  I’m so glad to learn that Lizzie Borden was betwitched by licking a cane toad!

Me:  Me, too.  It is ironic how ironic history can be.