Tuesday, December 13, 2011

The Seven Dwarfs – “True” History Tuesday

Everyone knows the story of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs, but what most people don’t realize is the contributions of the dwarfs to pharmacology.  This sad fact pissed off the dwarfs more than their lack of height.  All seven were more than annoyed that they went down in history for their short time with Snow White rather than the drugs they created.  They all died knowing it was a conspiracy of the major drug companies, combined with shady dealings of the insurance companies to hide the true origins of the drugs, take credit, and split the massive profits.

All of the dwarfs were chemists.  Snow White never visited their state of the art laboratory.  Many years before the arrival of Snow White, all but one of the dwarfs had created their own medicine.  In hindsight, this fact better explains their names.  Grumpy was the only dwarf to not create a drug.  He was just too pissed off to care.  Grumpy was born a hermaphrodite and had been going through menopause for years.  Doc simply could not deal with the mood swings this hormonal change caused in Grumpy.  It wasn’t like Grumpy was all that pleasant before menopause.  As a joke, and because he was so annoyed, Doc decided to give Grumpy a glass of horse piss.  Suprisingly, Grumpy’s mood improved.  Doc figured out the horse was a pregnant mare.  The hormones replaced by drinking the piss helped Grumpy.  Doc combined the piss with a gel matrix and created Premarin.

Dopey always claimed to be in pain.  None of the dwarfs believed him since he never actually got hurt.  Dopey decided to deal with his “pain” by combining Tylenol and hydrocodone.  The effects were super.  Dopey hardly ever got up out of bed.  He named his drug creation Lortab.  Bashful was super shy.  He never could have any fun at the Raves he liked to attend.  He went to the lab to try to find a solution to his shy ways.  He created Ecstasy.  He was so delighted with his new drug that his face hurt from smiling the next day.   Happy was jealous of Bashful and his newly found blatant not bashfulness.  His jealously eventually made him depressed.  He stayed in bed for weeks with Dopey.  Finally, he decided to get up and find a solution in the lab.  The combination he created made him totally forget he was even jealous of Bashful.  He made Prozac.

Sneezy could not take his allergies anymore.  In fact, all the dwarfs were sick of the sneezing.  Together they worked to find a solution, but ultimately it was Sneezy who solved his sneezing problem.  He made Claritin.  Before Sneezy’s success with Claritin, Sleepy could not get any sleep.  All of Sneezy’s sneezing kept him awake.  He looked awful.  He knew he had to do something to get some sleep.  As was the custom with all the Dwarfs, he headed to the lab.  Even in a lack of sleep haze, Sleepy created Ambien.  He got the best sleep ever, but eventually discovered he was sleep eating.  He didn’t care about the rapid weight gain because the sleep was so amazing.  And all the Dwarfs lived happily ever after.

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