It was announced today that the U.S. military is ready for the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. Ending this particularly stupid named legislation would allow homosexuals to finally and fantastically serve openly in the military. A rarely stated fact of the 17-year-old law is that Peppermint Patty is the actual author of the initial bill. Peppermint Patty really thought she was fooling people when she starred in Peanuts. The very obvious closeted lesbian, who over the top tried to hide her homosexuality with a nearly stalking and often violent “crush” on Charlie “Chuck” Brown, had convinced herself that if nobody asked she wouldn’t have to tell what she unsuccessfully hid from the public.
The Birkenstock wearing Peppermint Patty’s true passion was Marcie. Marcie called her sir and followed her around, this led Peppermint Patty to believe they were the same. True to her nature and “tomboy” ways, she loved uniforms. Peppermint Patty spent hours imagining Marcie in military uniforms. Her favorite was the Navy Admiral uniform. When Marcie never returned her affections or even dressed up for her in a uniform when they went to the military surplus store, Peppermint Patty grew sullen. As she aged, she secretly fought against gay-rights. She eventually went on to become a lobbyist and under the guise of gay-rights wrote the guidelines for Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell and moved them up the ranks to congress. She eventually went on to take over the body of Chastity now Chaz Bono and is starring on Dancing with the Stars. She is happy with herself now and pleased with the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell.