My Poor Pillow and Taco Bell

I found something stronger than Super Glue…dried queso on the countertop.  Sweet mother I got a complete biceps and triceps workout just scrubbing the counters this morning.  While I was doing that, a full on pillow rape occurred in the living room.  I walked in on the assault just before the climatic end.  I’m just so disappointed and shocked.  I have no doubt the pillow was just sitting there minding its own business when it was attacked.  So disturbing.

The recent lawsuit filed against Taco Bell claiming their meat mixture contains less that 35% beef got my worried about a couple of things.  First of all, I’m pretty sure anything you can get from a drive-thru at 3:00am isn’t likely 100% beef.  Next, when you are completely intoxicated in the back seat of sedan after seven hours of drinking, less than 35% beef tastes pretty darn good.  Thirdly, did the fact that it is called a meat mixture never send up red flags to diners before? And lastly, when I grew up Taco Bell presented itself as the “Fresh Food Place.”  Do you remember that?  Does that mean I’m in for another shocker that Taco Bell doesn’t grow and slice fresh tomatoes each day?  That they don’t have their own dairy cows and grate fresh cheese made from the milk of said cows every morning at each Taco Bell franchise?  I mean we know now that only 35% of those dairy cows actually even make it into the meat mixture.   So surely the other 65% of the cows are squirting out that fresh cheese for our tacos and chalupas daily.  My world is completely turned upside down now.  I can’t make heads or tails of this revelation about the meat mixture.  I’m going back to bed until this all just goes away.

Super Bowl XLV: Theories and Queso

Before Super Bowl XLV kicks off later today, I feel compelled to share a couple of theories I have relevant to tonight’s big game.  First and foremost I believe that will.I.am (famous music producer and founding member of the Black Eyed Peas) and Mike Tomlin (coach of the Pittsburg Steelers) is the same person.  They will be in the same stadium tonight, but I can guarantee you won’t see them together.  Same person people…same person.

My next theory is that Jerry Jones (owner of the Cowboys) is the actual cause of all the dead birds, fish and crabs.  I also believe he is to blame for the blizzards raging across the U.S.  I think deep inside the new Cowboys stadium in his state-of-the-art laboratory something went wrong.  While chanting and swaying deep in a trance, Jones mixed up chemicals with rat tails, eye of newt, pig skin and witch hazel in a combined attempt to improve the Cowboys season and take over the world. Only he miscalculated and his spell backfired.  Why else would you have a blizzard in Dallas?  In DALLAS people.  You know I’m right.

And my last theory (which has been proven in football party after football party) is that queso dip is better with hot sausage.  Trust me and you won’t be sorry.  Fry up some hot sausage to include in your dip.  Just put Velveeta, Rotel and hot sausage in a crock pot a few hours before the game.  Oh and instead of tortilla chips use Super Scoop Fritos.  Once you try this you will believe not only that I am right about queso, but also that I am right about will.I.am/Mike Tomlin and Jerry Jones.

The link below is an absolutely perfect source for pre-Super Bowl planning.  Check it out – you won’t be sorry.  Enjoy the game and please do not look Jerry Jones directly in the eye.

http://www.onionsportsnetwork.com/articles/super-bowl-partyplanning-tips,8082/

Honey Garlic Drumsticks, Parmesan Garlic Potatoes, Baked Asparagus,Black Swans and Winos

Let me just start by saying I found this video last night and can’t stop laughing about it.

We went to see Black Swan yesterday afternoon.  I didn’t realize it was a horror movie.  Dang I won’t even be clipping my fingernails for awhile much less biting or scratching at them.  Nor will I quintuple pirouettes en pointe accented by twenty-eight fouettes en tournant while cleaning the living room again.  I hate to stop because the dogs love it, but clearly it is just too dangerous. I don’t want to rip my toenail off or break both of my legs backwards.  I have too much to do to risk that kind of caution-be-damned-attitude.  My carefree ode to Russian ballet ends today.

I have to tell you about dinner last night.  I made a spectacular meal complete with movie for the two of us for about $24.  I made honey garlic chicken drumsticks, baked asparagus, parmesan and garlic potatoes and apple pie (recipes below).  And aside from the chicken and the wine (does anyone ever not drink the entire bottle of wine once you open it?) there are enough things left over for me to make another meal as long as we buy another bottle of wine. Here is the price breakdown (I added a little bit to account for the seasoning supplies that I already had in the pantry or fridge).

Chicken = $3

Asparagus = $4

Potatoes = $2

Small dutch apple pie on sale at Publix = $3.50

Pinot Noir also on sale = $12

Free movie (The Kids are All Right) from Blockbuster Box (when you sign up you get a free rental)

This is only important to share because as an unexpected housewife I feel like I have to do my part to save money and keep my sugar mama happy with a clean house and good food.  Clearly, we could save half of what we spent by not drinking wine...but let's not get crazy now.  

Honey Garlic Chicken Drumsticks (from www.bigoven.com)

Ingredients

4 to 6 chicken legs, skinless

¾ cup brown sugar

2 tablespoon cornstarch

¾ cup of water

3 tablespoons soy sauce

1 tablespoon honey

2 cloves of garlic finely minced

Preparation

Place skinless chicken legs in roasting pan and bake covered for 60 minutes at 375 degrees.  Drain all juices.  While legs are cooking make the sauce.

Combine sugar with cornstarch.

Add water, honey, soy sauce and minced garlic in a saucepan.  Bring to a boil stirring constantly.  Add sugar and cornstarch mixture.  Bring to boil again stirring constantly.  When chicken legs are cooked place in a heat proof casserole dish.  Pour sauce over and serve immediately or keep warm in a low oven.

Parmesan and Garlic Potatoes (from www.food.com)

2 cloves of garlic

1/3 cup melted butter

1 ½ unpeeled baby red potatoes

1/3 cup breadcrumb

1/3 cup grated parmesan cheese

Salt and pepper

½ teaspoon paprika

Preparation

Mince garlic and  combine with melted butter in a large mixing bowl

Add potatoes and toss well to coat

Mix remaining ingredients and add to potato mixture and toss well

Turn potatoes out into greased cookie sheet

Bake at 375 for 1 hour or until cooked through, turning 2 to 3 times while baking

Baked Asparagus  (from me)

Ingredients

1 bunch of asparagus washed

Olive Oil

Salt and Pepper

Preparation

Make a “pan” out of foil.  Snap ends off washed asparagus.  Place in foil pan, drizzle with olive oil and salt and pepper to taste.  Cook at 400 degrees for about 10 minutes.

Ingredients

Freaky Friday Favorites

For the record, sending out resumes can get exhausting.  Clearly not as exhausting as actually working…but exhausting nonetheless.  Additionally, nonetheless is fun to type.  Today is the dreaded day 3 of Tiffany’s steroid infusion, but it is also the last day.  Right now she feels much better and has lots of energy.  Things are looking good and if I survive roid rage day we’ll be good to go!  Today is also Friday – which means Freaky Friday Favorites!

Steroid Infusion Day 2

*Please see below for very important photo disclaimer*

Today is day 2 of Tiffany’s steroid infusion.  Another side-effect, in addition to the roid rage, of such a high dose of steroids is facial flushing.  When she woke up this morning she looked like she had either been walking outside in subzero temperatures or working out with Jillian Michaels.  She was like Mrs. Claus North Pole red in the face.  And yet another side-effect of the steroid is extreme hunger.  So right now I’m living with a red-faced, hungry woman who could explode in a rage at any moment.  But, I’m also living with my hero and best friend so I call that a pretty fair trade. 

I’m sure you’ve heard of phantom responses to an illness.  This is where people who aren’t sick have or think they have the same symptoms as the person who is sick.  The extreme hunger part is my phantom symptom to Tiffany’s steroid infusion.  This morning Tiffany got up and had a bowl of cereal.  I got up and made French toast.  Then later I saw that AT&T commercial about the taco party outside of Bill’s office.  This, of course, plunged my phantom illness response into overdrive.  I HAD TO HAVE TACOS.  I asked Tiffany what her dream lunch would be for today.  She said she didn’t care.  I said, “Oh come on you must want something special.”  She said, “I’m not really hungry whatever is fine.”  I said, “Don’t you think you want tacos?”  She said, “Sure…whatever.”  So I went to the grocery store (with a coupon from the Krazy Coupon Lady) and got all the stuff for tacos.  The tacos were really good.  I do what I can to help.  It is the least I can do to make Tiffany comfortable.

*The above photo is not me calling Tiffany a monkey or even suggesting she is any more ape like than the average human.  It is quite important that I express this especially with the threat of roid rage looming.  Please I want to live.  The picture is merely for comedy purposes.  Don’t hurt me.  End of photo disclaimer.*

Stupid Multiple Sclerosis

The best use of my time this morning was to go with my partner to her neurologist visit.  She has multiple sclerosis.  It is just one of those things we live with and honestly it really sucks that she has it, but we are really lucky that it has been relatively mild as far as MS goes.  She has a slight limp, loss of feeling in a few fingers and she can get easily tired from time to time.  I feel like my role in this beyond being supportive is to be the one who administers her weekly injection of Avonex .  I can at least feel like I am punching the disease in the face, so to speak.  On shot night, I also try to make her the best dinner that I can as any good housewife should. 

We went to the neurologist today because she is having a slight exacerbation and her leg is bothering her.  She was prescribed a three-day steroid infusion.  It takes about an hour to administer and she has to wear a port in her arm.  Every time this happens, I’m always inspired by her fantastic attitude.  She just happily goes with the flow…that is until day three of the infusion.  This is when the roid rage takes hold.  I’ve learned to make myself as small and quiet as possible.  Any sudden or slight movements can unleash the beast. It is at these times, that I am glad the rage is not brought on as a result of excessive steroid induced body building.  If it was I am certain she would throw me across the room while screaming in a voice much too deep for her dainty feminine vocal chords.  This rage only lasts one day and is totally worth the stabilizing effects of the steroids.  I think the best use of my time for the rest of the day is to get my recipes in order and plan out some fantastic meals for her.  Sometimes taking care of your partner is even more of an important job…and I plan to get employee of the year on this one.

Snow Ice Cream, Princess Leia and Hosni Mubarak

Today is laundry day.  I actually rather enjoy getting all caught up on laundry.  I love the warmth and the smell of clean laundry and that sense of accomplishment so easily apparent when you look at the empty laundry basket.  What I don’t enjoy is that I always wear my Princess Leia Return of the Jedi slave girl costume when I do the laundry.  It is a family tradition passed down by my mother so I am duty bound to keep it going.  The issue is it is just binding in a few places and quite frankly I get a little cold in the winter.  But I muddle through…what else can you do?  And besides, I am washing blankets today and there is nothing better than being Princess Leia slave girl costume wearing cold and pulling those blankets out of the dryer and throwing them on the pool table and then leaping in a single bound on that table and rolling around in those warm freshly washed blankets.   

Besides the obvious, what the heck is wrong with the average dictator?  I mean seriously Hosni Mubarak…take a hint.  Did you really think getting rid of some people and restructuring the government with you staying at the head would work?  That was such a dumbass corporate CEO move and it doesn’t fool anyone.  Take a hint.  Go.  You’re 82 and a million people are marching on your capital.  Let it go.  And that concludes my dictator advice for the day.

And now for my snow storm advice!  As I stated in an earlier blog entry…chill your vodka outside in the snow.  Additionally, make yourself some snow ice cream.  It is fun, it tastes good and it makes the children you are trapped in a house with really hyper.  Good times!

Snow Ice Cream

1 gallon of clean snow (the clean part is really important…just sayin)

1 cup of sugar

1 tablespoon of vanilla extract

2 cups of milk

Collect your CLEAN snow, stir in sugar and vanilla and then stir in enough milk to get the consistency you want.  Serve your ice cream right away.