Freaky Friday Favorites

I think I’ve mentioned I like a routine.   I also like to share, not things like needles, used condoms or marital partners you weirdo, but funny little things I see or find on the internettes.  I decided that one day a week I will devote to this sort of sharing.  This isn’t out of Friday laziness, but a desire to educate.  I used to be a teacher and you can’t just expunge such callings out of your system like an overdose of laxatives administered to an unsuspecting youth during a frat house hazing prank…no sir, it is a part of who you are.  I am blessed with a good eye for the odd, in fact, I’m drawn to it.  In addition, I have a natural ability and uncanny grace with a camera phone…it is almost like an additional appendage.  I also can sniff out (much like the diarrhea attack one of the dogs had this morning that woke me up) some really funny shit online.   Therefore think of Fridays from now on as a time of giving and sharing…a bit of joy for your eyes at the end of your long and arduous work week.  And please feel free to share, in the comment section, the things you find funny, too because nothing is funnier than something funny.



This is a personal favorite of mine that I took in the parking lot of my grocery store.  I love the hand-made craftiness of the sign, the attention to detail and the acknowledgment that we just have the one sin to worry about.

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Unlocking the Secret to Success for Your New Year's Resolutions

I’ve been around long enough to know that resolutions are tricky little things.  In order to guarantee success, you really need to have some sort of a disclaimer for each resolution.  Think of it as a sort of prenuptial agreement without the enormous wedding costs, angry bridal outbursts and bad reception line dances.  Having disclaimers will not only give your resolutions that contractual air of legality feel, but it also provides you with an out when the much dreaded breaking of the resolution occurs. 

Take, for example, my resolution to not drink any beer in 2011.  It is a noble endeavor seeing as I drink too much of it now and it isn’t so good for the waistline.  I made that resolution as the ball dropped in New York City and then promptly broke it the next day at 11:00am central time…or did I?  I have a disclaimer which allows for the consumption of beer during sporting events (on television or live in a stadium with or without a dome).  And as luck would have it, two bowl games that we watched on TV were played that day.  Later in the week, we had beers again.  Not so much breaking the resolution because I have a disclaimer regarding spicy foods.  Additionally, I have a disclaimer regarding days ending in Y.  As hard as it is, I’m seeing a great amount of success with the no beer in 2011 resolution thus far.  I also have a second resolution and that is to write in my blog every day.  You, the reader, may want to add some disclaimers later, but I actually withheld any disclaimers on this resolution other than the disclaimer that I can drink beer when writing my daily blog.

In response to the birds, fish, crabs and whatever else has died in mass this week, here is something interesting from the Huffington Post…or at least I thought so.

11 Most Bizarre Animal Deaths Ever

Suck it Dust Bunnies



Tiffany surprised me yesterday by unexpectedly taking some candid photos of me engaged in my daily chores. 

Well our plan to win the Oklahoma, Tennessee or Georgia lottery (or hell all three) did not pan out this month.  Shaking that bad news off, I decided to once again clean the floors.  Here’s the thing about the floors…it never ends.  Four dogs generate plague numbers of dust bunnies.  This fact constantly sends my OCD into overdrive and leaves me standing in the middle of the living room with my hands stretched to the heavens screaming why why WHY?!?!?!?! Hopefully at this point you are envisioning the prison escape scene from The Shawshank Redemption where Andy Dufresne crawls through the sewage drain and ends up on the outside of the prison…that is what I was going for there.  I vacuum, I sweep, I swiffer and I mop just like Mrs. Doubtfire on crack and still it never ends.  Then, suddenly, it hits me like the scene in Rocky where Apollo Creed punches Rocky in the side of the face in slow motion.  I need to invent something that will end the dust bunny strangle hold that keeps us captive like when on that strange island Dawn gets tied to the poles and offered up as a sacrifice to the giant ape in King Kong.  With my knowledge of science and hatred of dog hair generated dust bunnies, I could change the world.  People would cheer me like they did to that kid in the movie Rudy…I think his name was Rudy.  I have to believe that if I build this they will come like all those dead baseball players in Field of Dreams.  I am all over this plan like chemicals on Karen Silkwood.  I’ll make this happen…but for some reason I think I’d like to take a break from the floors and watch some movies.



Dead Fish, Dead Birds and a Bath Day for the Dogs!

Going to church, like I did when I was a kid, equipped me with two very important things:  loads of Catholic guilt and a firm grasp of the signs of the Apocalypse.  A small scale apocalyptic sign I’ve discovered, is when in an effort to save money you take over the bathing and grooming of your four canines.  This is one of my goals today and I’m looking about as forward to it as a budget retreat with poetry readings.  But it has to be done and I’m determined to make it fun for me and the dogs.  This will be achieved through the blessings of a strong Tom Collins and large-sized Milk Bones.  And seriously it could be so much worse, it isn’t like thousands of birds are falling dead from the sky Read More and thousands of fish are washing up dead Read More on the shores of the Arkansas River for Christ’s sake.

Another goal that directly ties into the goal of the dog washing by assisting me in procrastinating toward reaching that goal, is a Dyson calendar for a friend.  She needed some convincing about the benefits of the Dyson vacuum Read More.  She has since purchased one, but that won’t stop me from making a pin up calendar highlighting the WOWZA factor of the vacuum.  Unemployment allows for such ridiculous uses of your time.  I did however find myself seriously cracking up at my photo shoot.  This naturally prompted me to share some with you.  If this doesn’t make you want to buy a Dyson vacuum then you have no soul.

Carrot Top Therapy

Now I certainly haven’t been laid off enough to spread around unemployment advice, but that is not going to stop me from doing just that right here.  An especially annoying side-effect of being without a job is this feeling of worthlessness that goes along with it.  The feeling that sitting in your house, watching talk shows, eating potato chips and braiding your dog’s hair is in no way contributing to the betterment of society.  It just comes over at random moments when you least expect it like scary Google images of Carrot Top that somehow got stuck in your brain log of crap and pop up unexpectedly during quiet moments of reflection. 

I know getting laid off wasn’t my fault, but that doesn’t stop my brain from torturing me from time to time.  You know what jack holes our brains can be. That being said, I decided to do a little research and discovered that according to the Journal of Neuroscience, Psychology, and Economics the majority of people who lose their jobs report feeling just as happy after one year as they did before they were laid off. http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/12/101213140943.htm  Well great…is that supposed to make me freaking feel better?!  In 365 days imma feel just fine!  Well screw that, you need to do a few things that will shake you right out of that jobless funk now.  First and foremost, drink lots of water.  This is good advice anyway and it is tried and true and makes me sound much smarter than I really am so I’m including it here.  Next, you need to watch shows that highlight people who are far worse off than you.  My suggestions are A&E’s Hoarders http://www.aetv.com/hoarders/index.jsp and The Learning Channel's  My Strange Addiction http://tlc.discovery.com/tv/my-strange-addiction/.  Hoarders will horrify you as well as prompt a thorough cleaning of your house while My Strange Addiction will just make you scratch your head and feel like you completely have your shit together.  Another bit of advice is to volunteer somewhere.  There is nothing that will make you feel more like you are contributing to society than that.  Lastly, I suggest listening to lots of ABBA and quoting their lyrics randomly to strangers punctuated with exaggerated movements and dramatic expressions. 

Learn About Groupon

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Groupons and Mr. T

Employed or unemployed you should be using Groupons.  I grew up in the 70’s and made fun of Mr. T  just like everyone else but now his words are prophetic….I pity the fool who don’t use Groupons.  You can get such a good deal on things you didn’t even know you would like.  I mean seriously I got a Mohawk for $15 when it would have cost $30 normally and a large cache of gold chains for $10 when it would have cost $30 without a Groupon.  Sign up and start having fun and saving…do it FOOL.

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