Beyond Scared Straight

I decided it was time to catch up on some shows stored in my DVR queue today.  Clicking on Beyond Scared Straight, I had no idea that I would learn such catchy new phrases, see so many impressive face tattoos and be nearly scared straight into a corner hugging my knees.  Prison is scary ya’ll.  The last thing I need is somebody with a chain-link chin tattoo trying to “walk me like a dog.”  I have chores for goodness sake…I mean I haven’t even unloaded the dishwasher yet.  I have no time on bathroom cleaning day to be “folded like a piece of paper” or “be knocked so hard that my braces become braces.”  So this got me worrying.  I’ve thrown caution to the wind in the past and I’ll admit it, I have torn a tag off our mattress.  I am too happy with my freedom to be trapped by scary burly lesbians yelling at me in the big house.  I need to change my tag pulling ways and really familiarize myself with the laws so I don’t end up with Diabla a.k.a. “Baby Devil” using just one hand to throw me clean across the exercise yard.   Or even worse, ending up with Inmate Gooch with her leg iron controls and spit mask for a cell mate.  On a side note, am I the only one who immediately thought of Marla Hooch from A League of Their Own when they mentioned inmate Gooch?

My research of Alabama’s laws brought my fear to a fever pitch.  I was breaking laws I didn’t even know about!  Eventually my luck was going to run out…thank goodness I watched that show today.  I have a chance at redemption.  I will no longer take part in my weekly bear wrestling matches.  As much as I will miss it, that chapter in my life closes today.  I will no longer maim myself to get out of duty because yes that’s illegal, too.  Me selling peanuts in Lee County on a Wednesday…never again.  No longer will you find me wearing a fake moustache in church that causes laughter.  I have too much to live for outside the confines of prison for that.  My days of flicking boogers in the wind are over, too. If someone asks me to put an ice cream cone in my back pocket, I will tell them NO and cut ties with them immediately - I don’t need those sort of hooligans in my life.  And, even if it is Halloween, I won’t wear a mask in public or impersonate a member of the clergy…absolutely not.   I feel really good, like I’ve turned over a new leaf.  I can’t believe how close I came to ending up in the slammer.  I am one of the lucky ones.