Naked Bird

Occasionally, I let the birds (Murphy and Melvin) run around on our bed.  Murphy is slightly neurotic and has plucked out nearly all his feathers.  I think he is adorable and proof that dinosaurs were actually birds.  Melvin mostly tolerates Murphy and thinks of him as his baby.  You’ll notice Melvin perched himself on the blanket like a nest.  Murphy adores Melvin and follows him around and tries to pluck him.  In addition to being neurotic, Murphy is also co-dependent.  Sometimes Melvin takes off to fly and Murphy tries to follow him.  Because Murphy doesn’t have feathers, he falls like a stone.  The dogs chase Melvin and try to eat him.  They could easily catch Murphy while on the floor.  None of the dogs ever touch Murphy.  They seem scared of his nakedness.   I wish I had bionic sound effects for Murphy.  Did I mention I adore him?

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Murphy isn’t yellow, but he is naked.  You should try this aptly named cocktail.  Enjoy

Naked Yellow Bird

Ingredients
1 part vodka
1 part raspberry liqueur (raspberry is a fun word to say)
1 part Blue Curacao liqueur
1 part sweet and sour mix

Preparation
Mix equal parts over ice.  Shake, strain and serve.

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Freaky Friday Favorites

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Get More: TV Shows, Full Episode Video, Reality TV Shows

I Broke My Ass and Tasty Rump Roast

I’ve been playing Skyrim so much that it is becoming almost like a job.  I have a large to-do list in the game.  I feel obligated.  I keep getting all these other missions added as I try to complete something.  It is stressful.  Thankfully, I did find King Olaf’s Verse last night.  I also acquired a dog that follows me around and attacks things for me.  If you don’t play…just ignore this nerd moment.  At any rate, I also have not been feeling very good for several days.  Additionally, my dog Harpo is a complete moron. These three factors converged in a bad way last night.

I decided last night that I needed to go to bed early instead of staying up really late engrossed in Skyrim.  So, what did I do?  I took Nyquil at 10:00pm and then ended up in Skyrim until around 1:00am.  By the time I headed to bed, I was completely Nyquil drunk.  The dogs always have to go out before bed.  I took the girls out first.  No problems.  I took the boys out next.  Problems.  I leashed up Harpo and decided I would text Tiffany at work while he peed.  I wanted her to know I now had a dog in Skyrim.  I knew she’d find it funny.  Out I go with the dogs, phone in one hand and leash in the other hand.  Harpo immediately sees “something” and tears out really fast to the yard.  This causes my foot to slip and me to fall down and crash into the potted plants on the porch.  The fall continued as I tumbled down the stairs and violently threw my phone on the sidewalk.  Once the dust settled, Harpo was completely unawares running in the yard and I felt like I broke my ass.  (This reminds me of a joke I like:  I say, “if you could fix anything about yourself what would it be?”  You say, “blah blah blah.”  Then, I say, “well…you better fix your ass because it has a crack in it.”) 

During the fall, I completely avoided falling on my face in favor of falling on my ass.  I have an extreme fear of knocking my teeth out.  My teeth were, thankfully, fine, I can’t say the same for my phone.  My next fear after knocking my teeth out would be cracking my phone.  My phone is like a body part to me…an important body part, not something like the spleen or back fat.  My phone’s screen now has a giant spider-web crack across the front.  I’m inconsolable.  That being said, I do have insurance on my phone.  There was a horrible phone/hot tub incident in my past that prompted Tiffany to purchase the insurance.  I’ll be getting a new phone.   My old phone still works, but why have insurance if you can’t get a new phone when you crack your ass and phone at the same time.

TRAGEDY!!! You may sing the Bee Gees now.

All this ass talk reminds me of a really really easy and very tasty way to make rump roast.  All you need is a rump roast, crock pot, ½ cup warm water, package of ranch dressing mix, package of Italian dressing mix and package brown gravy mix.  Put roast in crock pot, mix all the dry ingredients together in a bowl, pour dry ingredients in crock pot and rub all over roast, add water and the cook on low for 10 hours.  This roast is so good you’ll slap your ass and whistle Dixie.

Pork Tenderloin-The Autumn Way: WTF and WOW Recipe Wednesday

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Pork Tenderloin – The Autumn Way

Ingredients

pork tenderloin (roughly 1 pound)

5 oz mixed mushrooms, chopped

1 medium red onion, chopped

1 garlic clove, minced

3 heaping tbsp all-purpose flour1 tbsp coarse mustard

1 cup broth (vegetable, chicken or beef)

½ cup milk

3 oz butter

flat-leaf parsley, chopped

Worcestershire sauce

Pepper

Salt

Preparation

Season pork with generous amount of salt and pepper and rub 1 tbsp coarse mustard all over them.  Only 1 tbsp for both pieces of meat.  Let the flavors seep into the meat for awhile.

Heat half the butter and sauté the onions, about 3 minutes.  Then add the garlic and mushrooms and cook, over low heat, for another 3 minutes.  Add 3 slightly heaping tbsp all-purpose flour.  Cook for a minute to neutralize the rawness of the flour.  Pour in ½ cup of milk (white wine also works) and stir until it’s a lump-free concoction.  Bit by bit, you pour in the broth until you have a consistency you like.  Simmer the sauce over really low heat for about 15 minutes.

Heat the remaining butter over medium-high heat, brown your meat on all sides, about  5 minutes, but bigger pieces of meat obviously need a little more time.  After 5 minutes, lower the heat and pour in some water.  Just a few tbsp, enough to get some steam going.  Put the lid on pan and let the meat braise for another 5 minutes while flipping it over once.  Once the meat is done (should be beautifully pink in the center), place on cutting board and cover with foil to cool.  While it cools, season the sauce with salt, pepper, a few drops of Worcestershire sauce, and stir in parsley.  Slice the pork, drizzle some sauce over the slices and serve the rest on the side! This is crazy good and fool-proof! It’s tasty, looks classy and what’s also important; you have it on the table in less than 25 minutes.

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The Mayan Calendar – “True” History Tuesday

They Mayan Calendar was actually refined and extended by Fab Morvan and Rob Pilatus around the 5^th century BCE.  The Mesoamerican calendar did not originate with the Maya, but Morvan and Pilatus were assigned the task of making the calendar more Mayan friendly.  What was not known by the Mayan king, who assigned them this task, was that they were bungling idiots who couldn’t walk and chew gum at the same time.*

Morvan and Pilatus worked on the calendar, but grew bored. The duo decided to drink a special potion called “Jell’y’kin Shotz” to make the work more entertaining.  Unfortunately, Pilatus made some changes to the drink.  Pilatus was really into Pilates because he recently bought a gym membership.  He discovered, while reading a scroll on Pilates, that herbal teas were really good for cleansing your intestines.  He decided to make a herbal tea from leaves and intestines.  He added the concoction to the jell’y’kin shotz.  This was a very bad idea.  The deity Itzamna appeared to the pair and transported them through time to the late 1980s.  Because of their cool hair, good bodies and rocking dance moves, a man named Frank Farian hired them.  The pair went on to appear as the front men pretending to sing for the group Milli Vanilli.  The Maya Calendar was never completed and Milli Vanilli shocked the entire universe and had their Grammy revoked for by only acting like they were actually singing instead of really singing.

*Speaking of walking and chewing gum:

Walk and Shoot Gum Jelly Shots

Ingredients

Knox- one packet

Bubble Gum Syrup- One Part

Bubble Gum Vodka- One part

Empty Dubble Bubble gum wrappers

Preparation

Add all ingredients.  Let set up in fridge.  Enjoy.

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Poop Pouch and Science Activity

Several bullet points about this product:

*  If I put this on my dogs they would never move forward.  They would only move in a circle trying to remove it.

*  My dogs are already crazy enough…why would I want to add to their insanity and overall embarrassment at the dog park by strapping a bag to their ass?

*  How is putting this on your dog easier than just taking a bag and picking up the poop?  

Water Molecules on the Move

What You’ll Need:

A clear glass filled with hot water

A clear glass filled with cold water

Food coloring

An eye dropper (or use plastic food coloring bottles that allow one drop at a time)

What You Do:

Fill the glasses with the same amount of water, one cold and one hot.  Put one drop of food coloring into both glasses as quickly as possible.  Watch what happens to the food coloring.

What’s Happening?

If you watch closely you will notice that the food coloring spreads faster throughout the hot water than in the cold.  The molecules in the hot water move at a faster rate, spreading the food coloring faster than the cold water molecules which move slower.

And So, It Is 2012

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I promise this is the last look back at blog entries for awhile, but I had to re-share my entry about resolutions because this holds true for this new year, too.  Also...it is a noble attempt at being a lazy writer.

“I’ve been around long enough to know that resolutions are tricky little things.  In order to guarantee success, you really need to have some sort of a disclaimer for each resolution.  Think of it as a sort of prenuptial agreement without the enormous wedding costs, angry bridal outbursts and bad reception line dances.  Having disclaimers will not only give your resolutions that contractual air of legality feel, but it also provides you with an out when the much dreaded breaking of the resolution occurs. 

Take, for example, my resolution to not drink any beer in 2011.  It is a noble endeavor seeing as I drink too much of it now and it isn’t so good for the waistline.  I made that resolution as the ball dropped in New York City and then promptly broke it the next day at 11:00am central time…or did I?  I have a disclaimer which allows for the consumption of beer during sporting events (on television or live in a stadium with or without a dome).  And as luck would have it, two bowl games that we watched on TV were played that day.  Later in the week, we had beers again.  Not so much breaking the resolution because I have a disclaimer regarding spicy foods.  Additionally, I have a disclaimer regarding days ending in Y.  As hard as it is, I’m seeing a great amount of success with the no beer in 2011 resolution thus far.  I also have a second resolution and that is to write in my blog every day.  You, the reader, may want to add some disclaimers later, but I actually withheld any disclaimers on this resolution other than the disclaimer that I can drink beer when writing my daily blog.”

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Want something good and easy to make on New Year’s Day?  This is actually something your kids who complain about eating black eyed peas will eat!

Zannie’s Black-Eyed Pea Dip

 

Ingredients

1 can (14 ounce) Black-Eyed Peas

¼ whole onion, chopped fine

¼ cup sour cream

8 slices jarred jalapenos

1 cup grated sharp cheddar cheese

3 tablespoons salsa

Hot Sauce, to taste

Salt and Black Pepper to taste

Preparation

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.  Drain black-eyed peas and partially mash, leaving some whole.  Add all other ingredients, stirring to combine.  Spread onto a 1 ½ quart baking dish and bake for 20 to 30 minutes until hot and bubbly.  Serve with tortilla chips!

*Note:  if you have them available, you can use the canned black-eyed peas and jalapenos (they are canned together.)  if you do this, you can omit the extra jalapenos.

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