Tuesday, March 15, 2011

True History Tuesday - Lewis and Clark

I’ve noticed there appears to be genuine interest in my posts detailing true history stories.  Posts like the true story of Valentine’s Day and the true story of Mardi Gras were well received.   This leads me to believe that you are hungry for the truth about major historical events.  I believe it is a service I am ready to provide.  Therefore, I’ll start having True History Tuesdays.  It’s time the truth was told.

The True Story of Lewis and Clark
In 1803, Thomas Jefferson hired Meriwether Lewis and William Clark to look for a Factory Direct Outlet Mall on the other side of the continent.  Jefferson wanted a new fur coat.  The selection within a 50 mile radius around Monticello was pathetic and he was cold.  Jefferson figured Meriwether was the right guy to find a new mall because of his gay sounding name and the fact he was lighter in his loafers on one side, due to one leg being shorter than the other.  Jefferson had purchased Louisiana at a deeply discounted price.  It went on sale after Mardi Gras because it was trashed and smelled of vomit and pee, as you can imagine the savings were enormous.  He felt certain there would be a huge outlet mall with an amazing fur selection somewhere deep within this new territory seeing how it had been French and all.   
Lewis and Clark headed out after filling their U-Haul with diet cokes, Cheetos, People magazines and VHS recordings of Cheaters.  They were in such a hurry they forgot their GPS, but felt certain they probably knew the way through this unchartered territory (typical males). Eventually they came upon this young man sawin’ a fiddle and playin’ it hot.  Clark jumped up on a hickory stump and said “which way to the Pacific Northwest?”  The young man said, “follow the Missouri River,” and continued fiddling with his fiddle.  So on Lewis and Clark went for a year.  They met lots of Native Americans a.k.a. Indians who thought they were pretty much stupid for not bringing a GPS.  The various tribes kept handing them off like exploring hot potatoes to get them out of the Rocky Mountains.  Chief John Denver didn’t have time for their lost crap.  Eventually in North Dakota, Lewis built a gay bar called Fort Mandan.

Ultimately, Lewis and Clark met Sacajawea.  She helped translate for them and had a really good time making up stuff different than what they were actually saying.  It was a riot and generations later this story is still told around camp fires, Pow Wows and other various gatherings of Native Americans that involve fire and dancing.  Lewis and Clark finally crossed the Continental Divide.  There they came upon the mall, but not before Pierre Cruzatte “accidentally" shot Lewis in the leg.  He said he thought he was an elk, but the truth is he was jealous of Clark and thought Meriwether been hanging out with him too much.  Lewis forgave Cruzatte and they eventually adopted an Asian baby.  After all this however, the mall was sold out of furs so Lewis and Clark got Jefferson a knock-off Coach wallet and a Brooks Brothers shirt.

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