Thursday, January 13, 2011

Cat Turd Justice

Now I really do believe that happiness and a positive attitude are always the best revenge.  Bitterness can weigh you down like a full day spent at an all you can eat foods of the world buffet. You get more bees with honey sort of philosophy, that is my way.   It just better serves your self-worth to causally skip and laugh right on by annoying people.  This particular move also leaves them slack-jawed wondering why you were maniacally laughing and skipping away.   In other words, they just look stupid. For me, this way of looking at the world sometimes gets tainted at particularly high level PMS times.  This nutty overly hormonal state usually reaches a peak late at night and leaves me brooding and unable to sleep. At those times, like last night, it is fun to imagine yourself extracting revenge from perceived injustices like that guy Michael Douglas played in Falling Down…only in a way less violent manner, of course. 
For example, instead of a gun, you’d arm yourself with one fresh cat turd.  Seriously, think of the destruction you could leave in your wake with one piece of cat poop…much less an entire purse full.  Somebody just cut you off in traffic?  Don’t ruin your day by getting mad at their rude behavior…just casually pull in front of them and throw a cat turd out your window.  You’d be surprised and how those little suckers stick to a window!  Somebody pretends to be your friend at work only to feed their ambitions?  Don’t let it get you down, instead with surgically gloved hands place one fresh cat turd snuggly in their car’s driver side door handle.  Oh no somebody just started writing a check in the express line at the grocery store!  Simply act like you dropped something and then place one piece of cat poop just in front of their foot.  They will step right on it in no time!
Now look there…somebody is talking really loudly on their cell phone.  No need for you to worry, you have cat poop at your side.  Just, with great care and caution, drop a little cat feces down the back of their shirt. They might be slow to react, but soon that smell will have them off the phone in no time.  A neighbor keeps letting their dog poop in your yard and doesn’t have the decency to pick up their dog’s business…time for a cat turd in their mailbox.  I find that imagining these sorts of scenarios has me feeling sleepy and ends my brooding in no time.  It is just a different way of counting sheep, really.  Nothing can snap you out of a bad mood better than a good night’s sleep and a good imagination.


  1. Ok a bit of nerdy unnecessarity: cats can carry an potentially fatal disease which causes all manner of horrible birth defects. It would be massively irresponsible to carry cat poop around!

  2. haha thanks for the nerdy advice. That and the bad smell are the reasons why I only seek out cat turd justice in my imagination.