Monday, January 31, 2011

My True Calling In Life

I think I’ve found a retro toy that deserves a second chance.  I can’t believe when this first came out that kids didn’t understand the hours of fun that would greet them when they opened up the box containing their new Swing Wing.  Idiots.  I feel certain I can single handedly bring this toy back to the spotlight…where it rightfully belongs.  It would be only a matter of time before kids were clamoring for one of their own.  I’m thinking easily Cabbage Patch or Tickle Me Elmo status.  I’ll just make one and wear it everywhere.  Grocery shopping, oil changes, job interviews, walking the dogs, the movie theater, golfing, at the gym, standing in line to vote…I will wear it EVERYWHERE!  I’ll have the world’s strongest neck and abs as I swing and sway all the way to the bank. How in the world would kids not want one?  I’ve found my calling.  It all makes sense now.  I will be the pied piper of the the new Swing Wing craze! 

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Living in the Moment

One of the things that used to really get on my nerves about my last job was that we never lived in the moment.  Now of course I understand it is stupid to not also have one eye on the future, but you do yourself a disservice by not keeping one eye on the present, too. (All this talk about eyes makes me think of Marty Feldman.  You know, it also makes me think of Sammy Davis Jr. and Sandy Duncan.  They both had a glass eye.  I always wondered if they took their glass eyes out from time to time to clean them or freak out relatives at big gatherings.  I think I would do that if I had a glass eye.) 

Regardless of success or failure, you take something away from the present and you miss what that is if you don’t pay attention and take note of it.  Dogs live in the moment and look how happy they are…except when the postman comes and that just pisses them off.  But by living in the moment that pissed off feeling is really new and genuine and loud every single day at around 2:00pm.  This weekend for us was a really fantastic time to just enjoy the present.  We had lunch on Friday with one of our favorite people.  We adore her and we made plans to do something good for ourselves together.  We picked one weekly yoga session. This ought to be interesting and I know I will look like an idiot and more than likely break wind during the sessions, but who cares because I know we’ll have a great time.  Then that night we had dinner and played board games with three really fantastic people.  I made fire-roasted tomato bisque (recipe below) and she made her famous blueberry vanilla cream cheese pumpkin roll-up.  Her dessert was so good it would make you punch your grandma right in the mouth…possibly even knocking her dentures out or her glass eye whatever the case may be.  When I get her recipe I will pass that on, too.  On Saturday, we went with two of our best friends (our bitchez) for lunch and to see The Rite.  The company was great even though the movie stunk (see yesterday’s blog entry).  Later that evening, we went to a friend’s birthday party – more good times with good people.   I could be upset by what I lack and not pay attention to the moment, but screw that noise.  I’m lucky for the people I have in my life and just focusing on the moment allows me to appreciate and enjoy their company all the more.



Saturday, January 29, 2011

The Wrong of The Rite

Holy crap I am excited.  We are going to see The Rite with Anthony Hopkins.  I’m thinking we are in for a collision of The Exorcist meets Silence of the Lambs.  I can’t decide if I should wear a crucifix or that inmate hockey mask thingy with sticks in my mouth and Tiffany rolling me in on a hand cart?  So excited.  SO EXCITED.  We are going to walk the dogs and get ready.  I just wanted to write before that movie to let you know I was excited.  Did you know I am excited?


Ok…I’m not excited anymore.  Maybe I’m just old and cynical…but that wasn’t scary at all.  Is it wrong to just want a little pea soup with your run of the mill possession?  We grew up with the Exorcist for goodness sake.  I need heads spinning around and constant cuss words to believe the devil is having a busy day.  Don’t get me wrong, Anthony Hopkins was good and creepy as ever…but I just needed more.  You can take the Catholic bred guilt out of church, but you can’t take the Catholic bred guilt out of an exorcism movie.  If it doesn’t cause nightmares, this former Catholic girl isn’t buying it (mass was scary enough).  So do what I did…spend time with friends, drink beer, listen to Saturday night disco and wait and rent this flick.  You always have the memory of Linda Blair’s possession to keep you company late at night.


Friday, January 28, 2011

Freaky Friday Favorites

And here it is Friday again.  It just seems like it was only Thursday yesterday!  Go figure.  According to my morning Qwiki (which it is just fun to type morning qwiki) today in 1958 Lego received the patent on their building blocks.  I loved legos as a kid.  I would spend hours building and rebuilding towers to imprison my Sunshine Family dolls.  Good times!  Reading about Lego this morning really made me what to go out and buy a box and build something for the kitchen…and hell maybe I will.  Once again here are some of the things that cracked me up this week.  Enjoy!
I saw this on CNN Monday...makes me really scared of Detoit.




And finally, follow this link to the blog Nic Cage as Everyone.  This blog was “founded on the belief that everything in life would be better with a little more Nic Cage, the most unique and versatile actor of his generation.”  Hilarious. 


Thursday, January 27, 2011

Taking Care of the Birdy Business


I have three birds.  I am convinced that there is no pet that you can own that is messier than a bird.  Well I guess maybe a monkey throwing poop before he rips your head off might be messier…but those are isolated incidents.  Birds are consistently messy.  Even after you’ve cleaned the cages they still look dirty.  But don’t get me wrong, I love my birds.  Murphy is the oldest.  He is a Bronze Wing Pionus and a feather plucker.  He’s got a little touch of OCD.  We’ve tried collars and Prozac, but for him we think it is best to let him enjoy his nudist lifestyle.  He loves to make his cage even messier by soaking all of his food.  What he doesn’t eat, he throws around his cage. He came to us knowing one word…asshole.  Every time he meets someone new, he likes to get close to them and menacingly whisper “asshole.”  I think he is adorable.  Then we have Melvin.  He is a Dusky Pionus.  His favorite things to do are screaming early in the morning and whistling the Andy Griffith theme…over and over again.  The back of his head is bald where Murphy has over groomed him the way he likes.  Then there is Erlenmeyer (yes like the flask).  He is a parakeet.  He used to live in my office, but unfortunately he got laid off with me.  He is currently molting which adds the aspect of tiny down feathers floating all around our house. 


They have their own room which we also use as an office.  Sometimes they take off and fly…well Melvin and Erlenmeyer do anyway, Murphy just falls like a stone.  When they take off it causes a chain reaction of pandemonium.  There is a lot of human screaming, feather flapping (except for Murphy, of course) and frantic dog movement with an emphasis on toenails trying to grasp the wood floor.  We’ve gotten pretty good and handling these situations and also have noticed that the birds appear to do it for fun.  An amusing thing is the dogs NEVER bother Murphy when this happens.  They have no idea what to make of his lack of feathers.  All four stop immediately in their tracks with a look of fear and disgust akin to shaking a cross made of garlic at an immortal.  Perhaps Murphy is so intelligent that he has actually created the ultimate defense mechanism.  He is adorable and smart.  Murphy and Melvin LOVE french fries and showers with me.  Erlenmeyer LOVES throwing grit everywhere in a frenzy and Queen’s Another One Bites the Dust.  He stops whatever he is doing, jumps on his swing and swings and chirps loudly to the beat.  He is very serious about that song. 
Birds are messy, entertaining and well worth the effort.


Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Killing Zits and Saving Money


My chin has had a busy day.  This morning I noticed a giant pimple there.  Thankfully, I got some solid advice regarding zits from a friend awhile back.  She said to put a dab of hand sanitizer on the pimple when you first notice it.  It actually works and works fast.  As I was putting some Purell on the mammoth zit another chin issue came to my attention. I found two witch hairs …TWO.  And to add insult to injury they were gray.  Naturally, I put the Purell down and tweezed the witch hairs immediately.  Just for good measure and to appease my OCD, I picked the Purrell back up and dabbed some where the hairs where, too. 

I also took some time today after a trip to the grocery to do a little simple math.  Besides counting witch hairs, I was curious about some money saving moves we've made since I lost my job.  After trading in my car and getting something a little nicer on our budget (Honda Fit) we’ll save about $200 a month.  This was the first time I walked out of a dealership and actually played the negotiating game to get the price I wanted.  Tiffany and I played good cop bad cop.  We were like Cagney and Lacey up in those dealerships. It was not only money saving, but also fun.  I also have gotten serious about coupons.  You’d be surprised at the savings, which for us is starting to add up to just over $200 a month.  Sure it takes some work, but it is worth it.  Below are a couple of my favorite links.  Good luck and May the Shopping Force Be With You.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Qwiki and the Academy Awards

Well I just got completely sidetracked from cleaning.  I started playing with the new search engine of sorts Qwiki.  Qwiki touts itself as “the information experience.”  Which yes it is quite cool…however the electronic voice is slightly creepy.  But, I discovered, it is fun to click at appropriate times to turn regular words into cuss words.  As I was playing, I also noticed that the Academy Award nominations were announced.  I always love watching the Oscars in my gown sitting in my Hoveround Scooter.  We clear out the coffee table and recliners so I can joyfully spin around each time my high dollar gambling picks that I posted with my bookie earlier in the day pan out. 

I decided today, in honor, of the nominations I would wear a patch over my eye, stutter and walk around en pointe in a tutu having strange drug induced hallucinations.  Oh sure, you are thinking this will be easy within the confines of my house.  But I have a planned outing outside today.  We are going to sign the paperwork on my new car.  This will undoubtedly add an additional element of danger and bravado to the normally mundane experience of buying a car.  I think the reviews will be positive.  I imagine critics praising my subtle ability to play three characters at one time.  I can see the gushing letters arriving from Colin Firth, Natalie Portman and Jeff Bridges graciously approving of my restrained and clever performance.  Yes this will indeed by a good day.
Speaking of subtle performances, I included one of my favorites by Natalie Portman. 


Monday, January 24, 2011

Beyond Scared Straight


I decided it was time to catch up on some shows stored in my DVR queue today.  Clicking on Beyond Scared Straight, I had no idea that I would learn such catchy new phrases, see so many impressive face tattoos and be nearly scared straight into a corner hugging my knees.  Prison is scary ya’ll.  The last thing I need is somebody with a chain-link chin tattoo trying to “walk me like a dog.”  I have chores for goodness sake…I mean I haven’t even unloaded the dishwasher yet.  I have no time on bathroom cleaning day to be “folded like a piece of paper” or “be knocked so hard that my braces become braces.”  So this got me worrying.  I’ve thrown caution to the wind in the past and I’ll admit it, I have torn a tag off our mattress.  I am too happy with my freedom to be trapped by scary burly lesbians yelling at me in the big house.  I need to change my tag pulling ways and really familiarize myself with the laws so I don’t end up with Diabla a.k.a. “Baby Devil” using just one hand to throw me clean across the exercise yard.   Or even worse, ending up with Inmate Gooch with her leg iron controls and spit mask for a cell mate.  On a side note, am I the only one who immediately thought of Marla Hooch from A League of Their Own when they mentioned inmate Gooch?
My research of Alabama’s laws brought my fear to a fever pitch.  I was breaking laws I didn’t even know about!  Eventually my luck was going to run out…thank goodness I watched that show today.  I have a chance at redemption.  I will no longer take part in my weekly bear wrestling matches.  As much as I will miss it, that chapter in my life closes today.  I will no longer maim myself to get out of duty because yes that’s illegal, too.  Me selling peanuts in Lee County on a Wednesday…never again.  No longer will you find me wearing a fake moustache in church that causes laughter.  I have too much to live for outside the confines of prison for that.  My days of flicking boogers in the wind are over, too. If someone asks me to put an ice cream cone in my back pocket, I will tell them NO and cut ties with them immediately - I don’t need those sort of hooligans in my life.  And, even if it is Halloween, I won’t wear a mask in public or impersonate a member of the clergy…absolutely not.   I feel really good, like I’ve turned over a new leaf.  I can’t believe how close I came to ending up in the slammer.  I am one of the lucky ones.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Gnaw for Pawpaw Pot Roast and Giving You the Gift of Knowledge

I’m sure the question of where I usually write my blog has been consuming much of your thinking lately.  This is perfectly normal.  Who doesn’t imagine where writers write what they rightly write about?  Did Harper Lee sit under a Magnolia Tree while she wrote her masterpiece To Kill a Mockingbird? Was J.K. Rowling sitting in a dark chamber while dutifully inventing the remarkable Harry Potter series?  Was Leo Tolstoy wearing pants while writing his tour de force War and Peace?  I could leave it mysterious, but why?  There is no need for me to treat you that way.  I remember the torture of not knowing where the Titanic was and what truly became of the last imperial family of Russia.  When these mysteries finally had answers…I felt closer to being complete.  Therefore, I decided today it would be the right thing to do tell you where I write my blog.  I’m not sure why, but I actually sit in the kitchen at our center island to type up my daily entry.  Maybe I do this because I love food so being in its lair just makes me more creative.  Perhaps it is just so I don’t have to walk too far to get to the potato chips. Maybe it is just so I can multi-task and whip up a quick soufflé while typing away.  Who knows?
What I do know right now is that the pot roast that is cooking smells WONDERFUL.  As I write this, it has been very difficult to not stick my face in the crock pot and start gnawing on the roast.   But I am strong and besides it is only appropriate to gnaw on a pot roast at my family’s annual Gnaw in Memory of Pawpaw Party when, at the same time, we all sink our teeth into a giant pot roast hanging from an old tetherball pole.   The way I cook a roast is SO easy and SO tasty.   So continuing today’s mood of sharing, I have included the recipe. 
Gnaw for Pawpaw Pot Roast
5-7 pound pot roast
2 cans of condensed cream of mushroom soup
1 ½ cups of beef stock
1 package of dry onion soup mix

Mix mushroom soup, beef stock and dry onion soup mix together.  Place roast in crock pot and pour soup mix over meat.  Cook in crock pot for 10 hours.  You should be warned that serving this without biscuits is a sin.    


Saturday, January 22, 2011

From Here to Eternity in Your House Shoes

I am astounded at how much I missed my house shoes this week.  I wanted to pack them and take them to Florida, but decided to be strong and figured some time apart would do us both good.  We’ve been running errands and messing with car salesmen for the last few days so I actually had to get dressed and put on “real” shoes.  There wasn’t an hour that my house shoes didn’t cross my mind.  I thought about their cozy sheepskin insulating warmth and their protective non-slip outsoles. Even as I slept, I dreamed of those lightweight imitation suede uppers.  Nobody should have to endure this kind of pain.  I now have tasted how it must have felt when Juliet awoke to find Romeo dead from a poison overdose.  Thankfully, I had planned ahead and locked up all the daggers in the house before my self-imposed house shoe separation started. I knew it would be a difficult journey. This morning, however, I couldn’t bring myself to go one more day without wearing my house shoes.   Blissful is the only word that describes how I felt walking toward them. Putting them back on my feet brought tears of joy to my eyes.  It felt like I was gliding on two freshly spun warm servings of cotton candy…only without that sticky feeling you usually get from that crap. This I now know - I will never foresake my house shoes again.  

Friday, January 21, 2011

Freaky Friday Favorites

Well holy moly it's Friday again!  I honestly have no idea what day it is anymore.  I felt certain today was Sunday.  I judge days now by laundry day, toilet cleaning day, Bloody Mary appreciation day, etc.  I think the only way that I really know it is Friday is when I start to see all the T.G.I.F. business on Facebook.  That is the main clue that today is indeed Friday.  So hell T.G.I.F. (which depending on the day for me can also mean Tantalizing Gin In Freezer) and I hope you enjoy this week's addition of Freaky Friday Favorites!

I discovered this picture in a book about famous advertising signs.  I get the humor of the humping reference because it is a camel, but did they fully consider the other implications of this word?
I saw this one down the street from my house.  Wow one bite starts at $.99.  What a deal!
epic fail photos - Autocorrect Texting FAIL
see more funny videos

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Making a Salesperson Disappear!

The day has come when I must get rid of my Mazda Miata.  It isn’t that I don’t love the car.  I do…it’s a Miata for Christ’s sake.  It just isn’t financially practical anymore.  So I will miss it, but it is time to downsize and the only way to downsize from a Miata is to get a bigger car.  I’ve got my eye on the Mazda 2.  It is a cute little hatchback and it comes in this really annoying alien green color.  Anything alien green color is worth owning in my book.  Not sure why.  Perhaps it has something to do with that family vacation we took to the Nevada desert back in the late seventies.  I woke up one morning with no memory of the day except for a recollection of flickering bright lights and something looking similar to Greedo taking a blood sample.  Every time the thought of that creeps into my memory, I have this really weird desire to phone home.  You know just to check in with the parents. 
Anyway…back to the car.  We went today to test drive the Mazda 2.  This is when I learned something.  I always like learning new things and think any new lesson is worth learning and of course passing on.  This particular bit of knowledge might help you in the future.  If you wish to make a car salesperson (or perhaps any salesperson for that matter) disappear just mention the fact that you are unemployed.  It was like magic.  Poof we were done before we could say alien abduction.  What is funny is I have really good credit, money to put down and actually had already worked out a deal with our usual salesperson.  We stopped in today for the test drive and he wasn’t there, but we do have an appointment with him tomorrow.  This other guy was just horning in on the other guy’s territory.  So it made for a little opportunity to do some experimenting on this gentleman today.  I did work in a science center right, so using the scientific method is second nature to me (as is denying, just like I was instructed, that I was ever in a large unidentified object that hovered over Nevada in 1979…which I wasn’t BTW).  And sure enough, our test proved the hypothesis that mentioning unemployment can make commission seeking individuals run faster than a cheetah escaping an alien’s probe.
My next bit of experimentation will take place at the furniture store.  Those vultures can drive you crazy with their lurking and following you about with a clipboard.  I will see if my newly acquired deterrent word – unemployment – has the same glorious effect on them.  Of course, I will let you know.  You’ll thank me for this one day.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Pictures from the Road, A Million Dollars and Old Time Household Hints

We spent the day driving back from Florida.  We paid a surprise visit to Tiff’s parents.  One of my goals, during my forced “vacation” was to spend time with family.  We did that in December with my family and now we’ve done it with Tiff’s family.  Good times all around.  One of the joys of driving long distances are the fantastic opportunities to spot ridiculous signs.  Like I’ve said before, I’m gifted in this area.  It is really almost like an expedition searching for rare frogs in the Amazon Rain Forest…only it isn’t raining, we are on a highway instead of forest and we are looking for signs instead of frogs…other than that though, the same.  It really is one of the best driving games and way less painful than that stupid slug bug game.  I have family vacation slug bug memories with my sister that are just too difficult to talk about.  If I even think about it too much, I’ll often find myself shaking in a corner assuming the fetal position.  At any rate, the picture hunt, for me, is an excitement builder not unlike a football fanatics wait for the Super Bowl.  Here are a couple of the pictures I got today.

Nothing like a warm plate a clothes to keep your stomach happy!

Clearly there is a lot going on here...I suppose when God points at your pregnant belly it is best to have a rose handy.

On another note,  holy crap this guy went on You Tube to ask for one million dollars and now he posted a video saying someone was going to give him a million dollars.  So for the record, I’m saying it in this blog…I, too, would like one million dollars. Please and thank you.


And finally, I ordered the book 1,001 Old-Time Household Hints:  Timeless Bits of Household Wisdom for Today’s Home and Garden.  The book is by the Editors of Yankee Magazine.   I figured it might be interesting for me to attempt every single one of the hints in the book and report back to you.  So in a sense, I’ll be getting my old timey housewifery on!

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Bar Napkin Blog

I had to old school write my blog on a bar napkin today.  This is what can happen when you spend your day golfing, drinking and playing in a retirement community.  Not that every time, I write a story on a bar napkin I’ve been playing and drinking in a retirement community.  In fact, if I had a dime for every time I’ve written a story on a bar napkin, I’d have lots of dimes that when combined make up lots of dollars.  Which begs the question…why do I have such easy access to pens and bar napkins?  Mostly because I always carry around a pen and I’m often in a bar.  You can’t help it when or where an idea hits you.  You should always be prepared.  I was a Girl Scout.  In fact, I had no idea what I was going to write today’s blog about until I sat down at this bar and grabbed this napkin.  The biggest hazard of this practice is when you mess up and accidently put your drink over your story filled napkin….condensation can really mess up a well written imaginative story.  By the way, the guy next to me at this bar just asked if, “I was writing my manifesto on that napkin”.  I told him, “No I’m just writing my blog.”

Monday, January 17, 2011

Happy Three Month Got Laid Off Day

Today is my got laid-off three month anniversary.  This marks the longest I’ve gone without a job since I was 13.  Not sure how to actually celebrate this milestone…maybe a nice old fashioned comfort food overeating binge??? Today also saw the end of the moving to Shreveport plan.  The Executive Director there is probably one of the most honest and direct people I’ve met…something that earns a lot of respect with me.  She said the job was mine and I could start January 30.  The instability of our house selling and red flag of a funding loss at the museum forced us into the decision to stay in Birmingham.  It certainly helps that we love Birmingham…it is our home.  We know that unemployment will continue to be a roller coaster ride and due to the nature of my career, the likelihood of us not having to ultimately move is slim.  But for now, we’ll continue on with the job search, be happy and appreciative that we have each other and take time to rejoice in the lack of soap scum buildup in our bathtub.
I saw this movie trailer yesterday.  Clearly it struck a chord with me.  I plan to stop dusting and cooking just long enough to see it when it opens in theaters.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Stupid Back Flips

Today got me to thinking…I’m really annoyed at the fact that I can’t do a back flip.  In all honestly, I can’t even do a decent cartwheel.   When I try it is a shameful display of human weakness. It isn’t a matter of guts.  As a kid, I used to drive my Big Wheel too fast. I would take unnecessarily dangerous chances on the swing set by attempting to go all the way around.  I would even fall forward flat on my face for laughs.  So what is it about a back flip that eludes me?  I am completely denied  joyous opportunities to spring into a back flip at unexpected moments in a conversation, suddenly in the produce section of the grocery store, during Thanksgiving dinner or down the stacks at the public library.  I feel denied that the back flip is not in my arsenal of random things to do when the mood strikes you.   I am certain that the ability to do a back flip opens the door to more complex routines.  Just imagine the dusting potential of having a swiffer in your hand as you do a backward tucked somersault ending in a straddle split…the efficiency factor of the range of surfaces your duster would grace is simply mind boggling.  I think I’m very lucky for many things in my life…but on this front I feel like I got the short end of the uneven bars.  It just isn’t fair and today was an especially hard day to accept it.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Rejection Letter Crafts

One thing that the newly unemployed person realizes rather quickly is that the job market is in a bit of a slump.  Jobs are scarce and you should expect more than a few rejection letters.  It just goes with the territory during these brutal economic times.  You could let it get you down or you could cheer yourself up with some nifty craft projects!  Over my career teaching in science centers I’ve done lots and lots of projects with paper.  I’ve included some links below.  These are sites I’ve used in the past and found them very useful.  On a side note, I also discovered that when throwing together a nice dinner, theming helps to set the tone and give your meals a little extra pizzazz and flare.  Just think of a nice chicken dinner with little origami chickens at each place setting.   Imagine a snappy paper mache dragon as a centerpiece for your meal of homemade Peking Duck.  Picture tiny paper airplanes affixed whimsically with fish line to the chandelier in your dining room as an added bonus over your head while you eat your tasty meal of Creamy Southern Style Peanut Soup.  These projects can easily be made while you watch your soap operas…if I remember correctly in the workplace that was called multi-tasking.  Win Win!  So turn that frown upside down and craft those rejection letters into something better than self pity.


Friday, January 14, 2011

Freaky Friday Favorites

Well this week has been marked by tragedy (Tucson), crazy winter weather (Snowstorms), another Palin Fail  (You Betcha!) and more mass animal deaths (Animal Deaths Around the World).   On the home front, this Friday still finds me hopeful about possible employment (I sent my resume to three pretty exciting places).  So again, only time will tell, but in the meantime I’ll keep laughing.  Here are four of the things that made me laugh this week. Enjoy these Freaky Friday Favorites!

someecards.com - I snuck a bunch of booze into work today using my stomach.

Snowy Conditions Proving Hazardous For Nation's Idiots



epic fail photos - Convenience Fail
see more funny videos

Thursday, January 13, 2011

Cat Turd Justice

Now I really do believe that happiness and a positive attitude are always the best revenge.  Bitterness can weigh you down like a full day spent at an all you can eat foods of the world buffet. You get more bees with honey sort of philosophy, that is my way.   It just better serves your self-worth to causally skip and laugh right on by annoying people.  This particular move also leaves them slack-jawed wondering why you were maniacally laughing and skipping away.   In other words, they just look stupid. For me, this way of looking at the world sometimes gets tainted at particularly high level PMS times.  This nutty overly hormonal state usually reaches a peak late at night and leaves me brooding and unable to sleep. At those times, like last night, it is fun to imagine yourself extracting revenge from perceived injustices like that guy Michael Douglas played in Falling Down…only in a way less violent manner, of course. 
For example, instead of a gun, you’d arm yourself with one fresh cat turd.  Seriously, think of the destruction you could leave in your wake with one piece of cat poop…much less an entire purse full.  Somebody just cut you off in traffic?  Don’t ruin your day by getting mad at their rude behavior…just casually pull in front of them and throw a cat turd out your window.  You’d be surprised and how those little suckers stick to a window!  Somebody pretends to be your friend at work only to feed their ambitions?  Don’t let it get you down, instead with surgically gloved hands place one fresh cat turd snuggly in their car’s driver side door handle.  Oh no somebody just started writing a check in the express line at the grocery store!  Simply act like you dropped something and then place one piece of cat poop just in front of their foot.  They will step right on it in no time!
Now look there…somebody is talking really loudly on their cell phone.  No need for you to worry, you have cat poop at your side.  Just, with great care and caution, drop a little cat feces down the back of their shirt. They might be slow to react, but soon that smell will have them off the phone in no time.  A neighbor keeps letting their dog poop in your yard and doesn’t have the decency to pick up their dog’s business…time for a cat turd in their mailbox.  I find that imagining these sorts of scenarios has me feeling sleepy and ends my brooding in no time.  It is just a different way of counting sheep, really.  Nothing can snap you out of a bad mood better than a good night’s sleep and a good imagination.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

I Need Chickens and Goats!

I appear to be completely caught up on my chores.  I cleaned the garage and organized the pantry a week ago.  The laundry is done.  I did the bathrooms and floors yesterday.   I can’t rake leaves because of the snow.  And I’ve already straightened up and cleaned the kitchen after our dinner party last night.  BTW I made taco soup Click Here for Recipe. (I did alter the recipe somewhat by using ground turkey instead of beef and for extra flavor I used diced tomatoes with green chilies plus one can of Rotel.)
Being this caught up on everything got me to thinking.  All this thinking, then lead me to a conclusion…I need three chickens and two goats.  Naturally, I immediately shared this thought with Tiffany.  The horrified look on her face, to me, was indicative of her joy and her anticipation at the prospect of adding five farm animals to our already large menagerie.  I mean seriously, I’ve realized some success tending to fake farms on the Facebooks, I watch The Fabulous Beekman Boys and I had a Fisher Price Little People barn when I was a kid.  I was born to tend to farmstead animals in my city dwelling! 

Honestly, what isn’t made better with cheese?  Especially cheese made from the milk squeezed from our goats, Ricky and Lucy. It isn’t like I don’t know that this can be accomplished with a cow instead of goats, but cows are supposed to live on a farm, duh?!  Plus goat’s milk is easier to digest and goat cheese is just better in your omelets then regular old cow’s milk.  Speaking of omelets, imagine the money we’d save with our chicken eggs!  Of course, we’d have to feed Jack, Chrissy and Janet the most expensive grains and treats known to man and obviously the screened in porch would need to be converted into a lush five-tiered chicken condo.  But who doesn’t have extra costs associated with your initial investment?  You have to spend money to make money, right?  Every year we could host a giant Easter egg hunt with fresh eggs generously provided by Chrissy and Janet.   The egg hunt, of course, would be free to all the underprivileged and touched children in our community.  Additional fun that day would include free goat rides atop Ricky and Lucy’s tiny bedazzled saddles and free dreamcatchers crafted from Jack, Chrissy and Janet's discarded feathers.  And forget about ever needing an alarm clock again because Jack’s delicate tenor voice would gently awaken us, as well as the entire neighborhood, every morning.  AND I didn’t even mention the best part yet? Ricky and Lucy can “mow” the yard with their busy little chewing mouths in the spring and summer and Jack, Chrissy and Janet can aerate the lawn with their scratching feet and picking little beaks in the fall.  I can’t seem to find a negative in this idea at all.  This being caught up business is really going to be good for our future!

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Toilet Bowl Envy

Today was bathroom cleaning day.  I’ve gotten to a point of priding myself on the cleanliness of our toilets.  I feel certain I’d cinch the employee of the quarter award, for my first three months of joblessness, in this chore alone.  That is, of course, if my dog Celie, as CEO of our house, were napping less and focusing more on employee recognition.  I feel certain that as with any boss, this oversight will catch up with her.  But, for now, she lounges about like the Queen of Siam.  But I digress…often times, as I walk by the bathrooms and the sunlight shines just right through the windows, the toilets sparkle like a rare diamond gingerly affixed, by loving hands, in just the right place on a priceless Fabergé egg.  I have to stop, stare and always find myself beaming with pride at the sight of our beautifully clean and glistening commodes.  When this happens it is hard to not let your ego get the best of you.  And, I’ve found, even harder to not have Olan Mills photos taken of the toilets to be displayed in places of prominence in our home, as well as the home’s of beloved relatives.  Naturally, the professionally made photos would be placed in ornate frames that were hand-carved by Buddhist monks from the wood of the majestic sequoia tree.  Oh I could go on and on and on, but let’s just end this with a retro commercial that most adequately portrays how I felt after finishing the bathrooms today.

Just to update you regarding the maybe/maybe not job in Shreveport, we are still waiting for news.  As the days pass, I am becoming less optimistic.  I feel certain that my new maybe/maybe not boss is very creative about finding funds, but in this economy you might be more likely to find a bottle with a genie in it, than some major contributions.  I’ve sent in some other resumes and only time will tell on those, too.  I suppose I could get distressed, but for now I’m feeling pretty good.  I have a partner who loves and supports me and takes the time to compliment the shininess of our toilets.  So even without a job, I think that makes me pretty rich actually.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Brilliance Through Vodka

Snow and ice are such a rarity here in Alabama that it seems superfluous to pass on this bit of unexpected housewife advice, but my need to bring joy to mankind is just stronger than my need to be overly gratuitous.  The freezing temperature outdoors lends itself to being the perfect chilling condition for your vodka!
Clearly, given the hysteria surrounding a forecast of an ice storm in the Deep South, I thoroughly stocked the freezer with enough meat to guarantee our survival for the day or at most two days that we will be unable to leave the house.  In order to make room, sacrifices were made.  We had to have room for that entire deer, 200 pounds of chicken, 55 pounds of lasagna and 316 gallons of ice cream…this was our life we are talking about for God’s sake.  There was no way to justify to Tiffany keeping the 24 bottles and 7 chilled flasks of vodka in the freezer.  I could have let depression overtake me at the thought of eating deer hoof soup without properly chilling the vodka for my dirty martini…but no, I am smarter and I am more resourceful than that.  I lined my deck with all that vodka…like a wall of beautiful turrets lining a majestic castle in the Middle Ages.  Sitting at the window watching the sleet and snow, we joyously toasted my brilliance over a perfect tasting Cape Cod. This morning over our breakfast of deer bacon and ice cream, we laughed liked mentally unhinged hyenas at how amazingly crisp and delicious our morning Bloody Marys tasted. We are confident, that on all fronts, our survival was assured.  There is no getting around the fact, that at this moment, I am the hero housewife.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Baked Potato Soup and Grilled Cheese Sandwich and Memories Brought Back by the Tuscon Shooting

Everyone has times in their lives that are defined by the events around them.  Moments you never forget.  Snapshots in your history where you remember exactly where you were and what you were doing.  For me, and I’m sure many others I grew up with, memories are stirred when events such as yesterday’s horrible shooting in Tucson occur.  I’m immediately transported back to August 20, 1986.  I was sixteen and living in Edmond, Oklahoma. I woke up to a phone call from a friend who needed a ride to her job at the amusement park, Frontier City.  It was a Wednesday and I was still on summer break. I remember my mom was putting together a pot roast.  I remember the smells from the kitchen and the look on her face when I told her where I was going.  She didn’t want me to leave, but I was headstrong and my dad wasn’t home, so she conceded, with restrictions.  She said whatever I did, do not go by the post office (there was only one at that time).  She explained that there had been a crazy man shooting people there.  (The gossip chain in Edmond moved fast and clearly my mom had gotten neighborhood updates via phone all morning). Getting in the car the news was on the radio, but I turned it off to listen to music (a cassette by Lone Justice).  After that it is a bit of a blur, other than watching the evening news with my family, talking about the tragedy with friends and following the story closely in the media as all the details unfolded (see links below to read more about the Edmond Post Office Massacre).  It is really amazing how such minute details stay with you when surrounded by such events.  What are your memories of the Edmond post office shooting or is there some other event that happened around you that left your memories frozen in time?
On a not so serious note, we opted to celebrate Elvis’ birthday with a dinner of his favorite meal yesterday.   Apparently, Elvis loved fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches.  So we had that, but without the peanut butter because that would be gross, so we had fried banana sandwiches instead.  Only we didn’t really want bananas for dinner so we changed that, too.  We did have sandwiches, but we grilled them with cheese.  And then we also had some baked potato soup, which Elvis never really mentioned, but I think would have liked.  But other than that, it was pretty much exactly what Elvis would have eaten.  I decided to include the recipes if you, too want to sort of eat like the King of Rock-n-Roll.
Country Style Baked Potato Soup
Ingredients

4 large Russett Baking Potatoes
2/3 cup butter
1/2 cup of all purpose flour
2 teaspoons salt
1 tablespoon white pepper
8 cups milk
1 cup sour cream
¼ cup thinly sliced green onions
½ pound bacon cooked and crumbled
1 cup shredded cheese


Preparation


Bake potato's at 350 degrees for 65-75 minutes or until tender; cool completely. Peel and cube potatoes into 1" cubes. You want it to be chunky, but some will break up. In a large Dutch Oven, melt butter; stir in flour, salt and pepper until smooth. Gradually add milk. Bring to a boil; cook and stir for 2 minutes or until thickened. If you want it thicker, mash a few potato's against the side of the pot and stir, and it will thicken right up. Remove from heat; whisk in sour cream. Add potatoes and green onions. Place back on stove and heat to serving temperature over medium heat, stirring occasionally. Ladle into bowl and garnish with bacon and cheese.  Thanks to bigoven.com for this tasty recipe!

Grilled Cheese Sandwich

Ingredients
Italian Sandwich Bread
Gruyère
2 slices of bacon (already cooked)
Butter

Preparation

Slice generous portions of the cheese and place in between the bread along with bacon (if you don’t know how to make a sandwich I pity you).  Heat up griddle or skillet, about 300 degrees and add a couple pats of butter.  Fry up your sandwich, being sure to add more butter as needed.  It should be nicely browned on both sides and the cheese nice and gooey.



Saturday, January 8, 2011

Bian Les Bian

The threat of a winter storm, that has overtaken Birmingham like a massive attack of LSD in the water supply, made things even more hectic for my partner Tiffany at the pharmacy yesterday.  So I made a nice dinner and rented the movie Salt with Angelina Jolie.  I figured a night taking it easy and watching a spy thriller was just the prescription a tired pharmacist would need in order to work a full weekend with the snow induced mass hysteria going on full swing.  The movie left me thinking two things:  I need to make a tasty high caloric hamburger with a greasy side of fries for Angelina Jolie’s scrawny ass and I could be a spy. 
These were the thoughts that sent me to bed, along with two big glasses of wine and a generous dose of Nyquil.  I had spectacular dreams.  I was an impeccably dressed, world class, highly paid, suave, and impressively limber spy.  I was a cross between Salt, Dirty Harry and James Bond.  In fact, my cocktails were not even shaken or stirred they were just quickly poured when I entered a room and I introduced myself as Bian Les Bian. 
I was working a case where a portly Russian drug lord, who was still pissed about the end of the cold war, was assembling evil forces from other countries to blow up the White House and Graceland.   I was deep undercover in the underbelly of evil, which immediately found me at a high stakes poker table.  Naturally, I walked away with 100 trillion dollars in chips and two free buffet passes.  At the table, I unsurprisingly procured priceless information necessary to thwart the agenda of the evil forces.
Along the way, as you would expect, there were a serious of explosions, gunfire and car crashes.  I always slowly walked away from these events with the devastation and carnage of evil exploding behind me as I lit a cigarette or a cigarillo (depending on the country where the encounters with evil transpired).  I also had a serious of amazing and secret weapons including a scooter that turned into a boat with a missile launcher.  My four dogs were also extremely talented secret agents under my command.  Their ability to sniff out a double spy was world renowned.
In the end, I saved the world and took the portly Russian drug lord alive.  I did, however, viciously rough him up for even thinking of destroying Graceland on the King’s birthday…I can’t even comprehend that level of scum and evil.  Waking up this morning, with as usual the dogs in my face, I looked around, winked at the dogs and did a ninja kick under the covers…content in the fact that if the CIA calls, I’m ready.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Freaky Friday Favorites

I think I’ve mentioned I like a routine.   I also like to share, not things like needles, used condoms or marital partners you weirdo, but funny little things I see or find on the internettes.  I decided that one day a week I will devote to this sort of sharing.  This isn’t out of Friday laziness, but a desire to educate.  I used to be a teacher and you can’t just expunge such callings out of your system like an overdose of laxatives administered to an unsuspecting youth during a frat house hazing prank…no sir, it is a part of who you are.  I am blessed with a good eye for the odd, in fact, I’m drawn to it.  In addition, I have a natural ability and uncanny grace with a camera phone…it is almost like an additional appendage.  I also can sniff out (much like the diarrhea attack one of the dogs had this morning that woke me up) some really funny shit online.   Therefore think of Fridays from now on as a time of giving and sharing…a bit of joy for your eyes at the end of your long and arduous work week.  And please feel free to share, in the comment section, the things you find funny, too because nothing is funnier than something funny.





This is a personal favorite of mine that I took in the parking lot of my grocery store.  I love the hand-made craftiness of the sign, the attention to detail and the acknowledgment that we just have the one sin to worry about.
UWUXJDQNPN2C

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Unlocking the Secret to Success for Your New Year's Resolutions

I’ve been around long enough to know that resolutions are tricky little things.  In order to guarantee success, you really need to have some sort of a disclaimer for each resolution.  Think of it as a sort of prenuptial agreement without the enormous wedding costs, angry bridal outbursts and bad reception line dances.  Having disclaimers will not only give your resolutions that contractual air of legality feel, but it also provides you with an out when the much dreaded breaking of the resolution occurs. 
Take, for example, my resolution to not drink any beer in 2011.  It is a noble endeavor seeing as I drink too much of it now and it isn’t so good for the waistline.  I made that resolution as the ball dropped in New York City and then promptly broke it the next day at 11:00am central time…or did I?  I have a disclaimer which allows for the consumption of beer during sporting events (on television or live in a stadium with or without a dome).  And as luck would have it, two bowl games that we watched on TV were played that day.  Later in the week, we had beers again.  Not so much breaking the resolution because I have a disclaimer regarding spicy foods.  Additionally, I have a disclaimer regarding days ending in Y.  As hard as it is, I’m seeing a great amount of success with the no beer in 2011 resolution thus far.  I also have a second resolution and that is to write in my blog every day.  You, the reader, may want to add some disclaimers later, but I actually withheld any disclaimers on this resolution other than the disclaimer that I can drink beer when writing my daily blog.
In response to the birds, fish, crabs and whatever else has died in mass this week, here is something interesting from the Huffington Post…or at least I thought so.